Question to the psychologist:

Hello, my name is Olga. I found myself in a difficult situation in which I myself was to blame, perhaps not only. But first, I'll tell you about myself. I am 21 years old, now I live with my mother, stepfather and sister. My sister is 5 years old, she is the daughter of my stepfather. My own father never raised me. After I was born, he got involved with drugs and never lived with us again. in 2012 he died.

We changed our place of residence several times. After my father left, we lived for some time with my grandmother (mother's mother). After that, my mother met a man who was also addicted to drugs. We lived with him for some time, I did not know any affection or attention. And, unfortunately, I had to sleep with them in the same room, and hear what the child should not hear. But it didn't last long - we left. Soon he died. And this is not the last man in my mother's life. But, my mother did not develop a relationship with any of them.

I practically spent all my childhood with my grandmother, who showed me excessive severity, which sometimes came into contact with cruel actions. That, it happened, because of this, I didn’t want to live, I wanted to forget myself. But kindness, of course, was not absent. Now we have a good relationship she realized her mistakes. I share everything with her first.

I grew up with a strict upbringing, and I don't know, maybe this was the reason that I became a closed person, was silent at school. I was sometimes not allowed to bring friends to have fun, only on the condition that it was quiet. She cursed on every occasion. I began to slowly withdraw from communication, I was afraid that she would again disgrace me in front of my peers and friends. And they started moving away from me.

We have been living with my stepfather for 12 years. He's 37 years old. He treated me well from childhood, I knew love, affection and attention, and I did not experience any cruelty from him. We went everywhere with him, he took me around. I practically spent time with him, with my mother, mostly only at home. I was about 10 years old when I met him. These good relations continued all these years. We had common interests in 60s music, which is quite strange for my age (I was 12), but the similarities in interests didn't end there. Everything went so well that imperceptibly passed into another stage of development. He did not personify in my face a strict father, but a very loved one as a friend, one might say. And it so happened that this closeness crossed the borders. He let me in. And it came down to sexual acts on his part, and I didn't mind. My sense of remorse disappeared, narrowed the scope of the concept of "no" and sometimes I myself showed these actions to him. But I'm still a virgin, it didn't get any further. But these sexual activities continued for some time. Then strange feelings pressed me constantly, that I decided to just forget about it and try not to remember. It didn't happen again, but the relationship still remained that way. As I grew older, he became more interested in me, we communicated with him on an equal footing. Mom is a homely person, and she rarely had a desire to go somewhere, and after the birth of a child, completely. Therefore, the relationship with my mother began to fade imperceptibly. And my stepfather too. They lost common topics for conversation, and were limited to the everyday level of communication. Everyone on their own.

I've never had boyfriends in my life. And, perhaps, in him I found compensation for this. Now I have a boyfriend. I met him on the Internet. And, having learned about my correspondence with him, my stepfather did not give me rest from that moment. He created a fictional page on behalf of a girl, and allegedly corresponded with her in order to arouse my attention (as it turned out, he corresponded with himself). Since then, I understood the seriousness of my childhood mistakes. It smelled of jealousy in here. But I kept asking what's the matter, leave me alone. But during the year of my correspondence with a guy, my stepfather did not give me rest. And did not answer in what true reason. And when a guy came to me, this reason was revealed. He sent me a letter in which he spoke about his feelings for me, which flared up for me since childhood. I was insanely shocked. The letter said that he had never had such a hard time in his life and that he needed time to heal his wounds. If not for my sister (his daughter), he would have gone somewhere for six months, he wrote. He wrote that it was impossible not to fall in love with such a girl, and that all his correspondence with an imaginary girl was in order to test my feelings for him. But he realized that he was wrong.

I wrote him a letter in response, in which I stated that I became very attached to him in childhood, that I love him, but not with the love that he would like, that I do not have those feelings for him, but I am very afraid of losing him. I asked what he saw in the future, how he planned to live, but I did not receive an answer. And she said that whatever my feelings were, it couldn't have been more anyway, since he's my sister's father and my mother's husband, anyway. After that, he wrote me a response letter, calling it insincere, highlighting some paragraphs from my letter in it, humiliating me to the fullest. And reminding me that I allowed myself as a child. And here again my sense of guilt woke up.

He asked that no one be allowed to read his first letter. But my grandmother pestered me, one and the other, asking why he does not give you peace with a guy. And these questions weakened me, I told them what the essence of the reason for such behavior of my stepfather towards me was. They kept repeating that it was jealousy and, after I explained it to them, they made sure, saying that it was already clear. I did not let anyone read the letter, but two people knew common sense problems from my words. And unfortunately, one grandmother did not keep her word and told my mother about this, about his feelings and his letter to me, thinking that this would make it better, but soon realizing her mistake. My stepfather found out that my mother knows everything. And my mother cried a lot. But she doesn’t know about sexual activities in childhood (although I’m not sure), her attitude has now changed towards me, I don’t know what my stepfather said.

I am now worried about this situation, I am afraid for my sister, she is 5 years old. I know that if my mother had not found out, everything would have continued the same way, he never showed any sign, for the sake of his daughter. And now everything is revealed, and according to rumors, my mother is starting to think about looking for a replacement for him, which I'm afraid of. I know that he will never leave his daughter, but my mother, knowing the truth, does not intend to live like this. Mom is 39 years old. And she's tired of being alone. I don't want this family to fall apart. Although it had long foreshadowed that the relationship that they had would not be.

I am planning to move to next year to the guy. I think it will be right, I just have to. I know now I need to improve my relationship with my mother, but I don’t know how.

I would like to know your opinion, am I the only one to blame here, in this situation, what is the source of all this? And the second question will not be clear, I want to know your opinion about this whole situation, maybe you will draw your conclusions and give the right advice. What should I do now with our family relationships how to fix them.

I would be grateful for your sincere answer, because I understand that I am the culprit of the situation, and I want to let go of my burden, whatever the truth. Thank you for your attention.

The psychologist Bashtynskaya Svetlana Viktorovna answers the question.

Olga, hello!

The first thing I want to say is that you are not to blame. You were a child, a girl who passionately wanted warmth and care, like any normal child. And at that moment, the responsibility was on your stepfather, as on an adult conscious person.

Now he is trying to manipulate you, to make you feel guilty, I would even call it blackmail. However, he does not see his contribution to this situation, he had to keep his distance, he broke the law. And you don't have to be ashamed of what was between you sexual relations. This is entirely the responsibility of an adult at that time. He distorted and distorted real facts and you accepted it, because then you were still a child, you trusted him. You write - "he let me near him", but in fact it was he who let himself near you. This important point, pay attention to the difference, it shows how your picture of the world developed under the influence of your stepfather, how your perception was distorted.

Reading your letter, I imagined a little lonely girl who did not have a person who could be trusted. And it plunges into despair and hopelessness. It was very difficult and painful for you. And then a stepfather appeared, a man who, as it seemed to you, surrounded you with a disinterested and unconditional love and caress. You didn't know how it could be otherwise, you didn't have that experience. Moreover, such a strong and adult person appeared next to you. It seemed to you that the way he shows his care and affection, his love, is the norm, and at that moment there was no person nearby who could explain the difference to you. Who would show you healthy feelings, healthy support. You were just a girl who didn't know how it is, and it can't be your fault in any way..

The stepdad keeps playing his game with you, he tries to make you feel guilty, he tries to press on your pain points, he tries to keep using you. After all, he was so comfortable and convenient, and then you grew up and decided to live your normal separate life. Of course, he is outraged, he is angry, but it is important to understand that these are his feelings, they have nothing to do with you. He chooses how he behaves, and you can't make him feel good, and you shouldn't.

You act in your own interests, and this is normal and great, rather than adjusting to those around you, even those close to you.

And I want to say that it is very brave that you shared your experiences with your grandmother and your letter here. Carrying such a load alone is unbearable.

As for your mother and her situation, you take on a lot - taking care of your mother's family, your stepfather, your grandmothers. Remind yourself that this is their life and their decisions. Mom has the right to decide on a divorce. And in my opinion, this is a normal reaction of a person who cares about his children. To live with a person who deceived, who constantly violates boundaries, who betrays (and in my opinion, the situation with you as a daughter is precisely a betrayal) means not to love yourself, and there is no question of happiness here. You write that your mother is tired of being alone - how did it happen if they have been living with your stepfather for 12 years? This means that there were great difficulties in their relationship, which means they did not give her support and support, and accordingly your mother can cope on her own.

It is important for you to focus on your life, build your plans, your family. Your move is a healthy decision and should be based on your needs, what you want, what matters to you. And the parents are already adults, they themselves will figure it out and cope.

You would really like everyone to be happy, and everything was fine, so that your mother would not worry, so that everything would be fine with your sister. And answering your last question, I will say that it is important for you to take care of yourself, your feelings, your interests. Learning to live for yourself and separate yourself from your family (this is a normal healthy stage in the life of every person). This is not so easy to do, especially since you have taken care of others all your life, and maybe now is the moment when you can learn to live differently.

4.8928571428571 Rating 4.89 (14 votes)

Mom divorced when Anya was 10 years old. Well, divorced. The father simply left one family for another and cut off all contacts. So he said: “I don’t want to see you, now everything is different for me and everything is fine.”

After that, my mother cried for a long time. I did this mainly at night, when I thought that Anya was sleeping. But Anya did not sleep and heard everything. At first she felt bad without her dad, then she was very sorry for her mother, after that it hurt for herself. And then it didn't matter. Moreover, with their mother, the two of them were well and calm. Together on weekends and holidays. Mom knew Anya's friends and girlfriends, together she experienced her first love and first betrayal. She taught me how to cook branded pancakes and chose the first bra. At some point, Anya was finally convinced that her father's departure was not a collapse, but happiness. He simply vacated his place in the family, and Anya took it. It was as if she sat down on two chairs: on her own and on her father's.

When Anya was 17 years old, her mother began to behave strangely. I was late at work, went somewhere on the weekend. However, Anya was only in such a situation, because the apartment at that time remained at her complete disposal, which means that she could bring friends, watch TV uncontrollably or "eat all sorts of nasty things."

Despite Anna's efforts, Yuri continued to consider her a child.

Photo by Getty Images

At 18, Anya entered the university. I scored small points, I had to go for a paid one. Mom continued to behave strangely and, it seems, was not upset about this. Anya met classmates and started her first serious romance. And on New Year Mom brought Yura. She said that this is her man and they will live together, however, in Yuri's apartment. In the spring they are going to sign.

In the past, Yuri was a military man, in the present he is the director of his own company. Fit, athletic, well-read, charming, smart, intelligent. And also very, very beautiful. It seems that he came to their apartment from TV shows about real men.

Photo by Getty Images

On the very first evening, Yura drove in all the loose nails, a week later he made repairs in the kitchen, a month later he bought a new one for the hall comfortable sofa. And every day I gave my mother flowers. They stood in vases, in bottles, in pots and even in buckets. When my mother left, and Anya carried the dried stems to the trash, the neighbor asked in surprise: “Did you rob the store?”

In March, Anya broke up with another guy. In April, my mother got married. In May, Anya finally realized that she was in love with her stepfather and hated her rival, who, by a strange twist of fate, turned out to be her mother.

Anya could not come to visit them, because she saw her happy eyes. She could not help but come to visit them, because in this case she would not meet with Yuri.

The stepfather called Anya "baby", and she believed that this word had nothing to do with addressing a child and carried a hidden love meaning.

In the summer, my mother was sent on a business trip, and Anya moved to her stepfather's apartment. The official excuse is to cook and clean. Unofficial - to do everything so that Yura pays attention to her as a woman.

They lived under the same roof for two weeks. And every day her stepfather called her mother. And every day, Anya realized that she hated her mother more and more and loved her stepfather more and more. In the end, Anya decided to talk. It does not make sense to retell it completely; in almost two hours of continuous communication, a lot was said. Both to her and to them. When the arguments were over, Anya got up, went up to her stepfather and passionately kissed him on the lips. And after he, either surprised or shocked, pushed her away from him, she screamed: “Well, why are you with her ??? She's old! She doesn't need anything! And she didn’t need all her life, otherwise she would have found a man for herself a long time ago !!!

Before the return of his mother, Yuri did not spend the night at home. Anya called, he was silent. She wrote SMS, he did not answer. He was crying and biting his lips in anger. He was absent.

On Friday, Anya came home and realized that her mother was returning. In the hall stood big bouquet flowers, and hung on the door air balloons and a homemade poster with dancing letters "Welcome". Yura was at home. He was waiting for her...

On the same day, Anya packed her things and left for rented apartment to a classmate, whom she married three months later. At the wedding, Anya's mother wept bitterly, trying to dissuade her daughter from such a quick marriage, and Yura was silent, tightly pursing his lips. In the registry office, he gave the newlyweds a huge bouquet of white roses, each flower from which Anya carefully dried.

Answer from Elena Alekseeva[guru]
at your age, it's normal to fall in love with adult men, many fall in love with their teachers, for example, but, as it may seem strange to you, this is not love at all, you just idealized a man whom you often see, this will pass, and you will do it again and again fall in love, therefore, you don’t have to say anything to anyone, neither to him, nor to your mother, to her anyway, it’s probably not easy, because of the age difference, maybe there are a lot of your fears, and then there’s a daughter, for whom she then worry, for you, for your marriage, who to trust, all this can greatly ruin your family relationships, it’s better to try to convince yourself that the object of your love is an adult uncle for a long time, besides, a married man, and you deserve something better and younger, you still have your whole life ahead of you

Answer from Yovetlana Shits[guru]
What time did your mother give birth to you?) You have some kind of pedophilia there in the family is progressing.

Answer from Yegina Leshchenko[guru]
forget it, otherwise you will destroy everything, but you will not get satisfaction

Answer from Left[guru]
spread your legs in front of him ...

Answer from Mariska[guru]
At your age, it's love. Try to communicate more with boys your age. You have a period when you want to love and be loved. It will pass with time.

Answer from Light Yagami[guru]
You seem to have an Electra complex, google it)

Answer from Sla3313[guru]
Come on with this nonsense, there will be more than one guy, but only one mother!!!

Answer from branch branches[guru]
Oh my God. I don't even have words to say what I feel right now.
Nobody, don't say anything. This is temporary. Everything will burn out.

Answer from Baby[guru]
Tell your mother about this first, you will come up with something together, but he doesn’t need to say anything yet

Answer from Sweet[guru]
Oh yeah
fall in love with him like a dad

Answer from Venusman[guru]
Hang out with the boys. others will like it better. try to see him less. And have pity on mom

Answer from Black Magic[guru]
A stepfather is still almost a father, although you have a small age difference, or, well, like an older brother. Think about the fact that this is ANOTHER man, and it’s not the case to beat him off from another woman, especially from her mother. Love will come to you! And it’s better to just be friends with your stepfather, this is the most normal way in this case, believe me. From the fact that you have a close relationship with him, no one will be happy.

Answer from Iruza Sharipova[guru]
Do not even think about telling anyone about this, you will survive this love. Mom's feelings need to be spared, and if he is a normal man, only disgust and aggressiveness arise, you will also ruin your relationship with him. And if he is a bastard and takes advantage of your naivety, you yourself, if a decent person when you grow up cannot forgive yourself, endure, let this feeling remain pure and innocent. At the age of 14, I was in love with a classmate, I didn’t say anything to him, and I remember my suffering with tenderness. Know how to restrain and control yourself.

When my mother brought a new man into the house, I did not want to accept him for a long time. Deep down, I was offended by my mother because of the divorce from my father. It seemed to me that it was she who was to blame for their breakup. Once I even expressed my claims to her, but she only twisted her finger at her temple.

Mom's new lover at first tried in every possible way to establish relations with me. But I limited myself to dry answers. To be honest, I didn't want to meet him at all. It seemed to me that he did not love his mother at all. Vladimir had three children from two previous marriages, worked as a TV repairman and household appliances, and almost all of his income went to paying child support. I thought that he had no feelings for his mother - he was just comfortable with her. But my mother at that time completely lost her head - she idolized him. Six months later, I resigned myself to the fact that an outsider began to live in our apartment. I even started to communicate with him - Vladimir turned out to be an interesting conversationalist. It was fun with him!

At that moment, I was 26 years old, and I was completely and completely occupied with my personal life. With my boyfriend Andrei, we were going to get married. We met with him for four years. And deep down I believed that this is the person with whom I can connect my life. Everything collapsed in one day. Once during a lunch break, a colleague and I went to a cafe. I was speechless - my boyfriend was sitting at a table at the end of the hall with some girl. It immediately became clear that this was far from a friendly meeting. They laughed, flirted, and at some point began to kiss. I did not raise a scandal in the cafe. I tried to pull myself together and somehow returned to work. I couldn't believe what I saw. I returned home in a depressed state - I wanted to scream. Mom worked the night shift that day, only Vladimir was in the house. He immediately knew that I was in trouble. I don't know why, but that evening I told him everything. We drank, and at some point I lost control of myself. We began to kiss, and in the morning we woke up in the same bed. I was shocked by my behaviour. She immediately told her mother's boyfriend that everything that had happened - big mistake about which mother is better not to know.

Feeling guilty about my own mother helped me disconnect a little from own problems. I practically didn’t think about Andrei’s betrayal - all my thoughts were occupied with what would happen if my mother found out about my closeness with her husband. Fortunately, Volodya did not tell his mother anything. I stopped all communication with Andrey - I did not answer calls and text messages. She didn't even try to explain anything to him. At first, he still tried to establish communication with me, and then stopped.

Once, when mother left for a day, Volodya and I were again left alone. And history repeated itself. Since then, we had regular sexual relations with my stepfather. Every time after the next sex, I made a promise to myself that nothing like this would happen again. And every time she broke her vows. I felt extremely good with Vladimir. I have never had such a caring man. It seemed that he guessed in advance all my desires.

At some point, I realized that I could no longer live like this. I wanted to spend every minute with Vladimir. You just can't imagine how painful it was for me to watch his relationship with his mother develop. Every evening I sobbed into the pillow, tried to calm myself down and try to pick it up, but nothing worked. I simply could not tell my mother about our connection!

Once, having decided to forget him once and for all, I decided to look for rented accommodation. My mother was against me living alone. But I was sure that only in this way could I forget Volodya. At first it was difficult: I thought about him all the time! And then I met a guy who I really liked. My friends were jealous of our relationship. Sergei really treated me very sincerely and reverently. Therefore, when, seven months after we met, he proposed to me, I agreed without hesitation.

It seemed to live and be happy. But after the wedding, Volodya reappeared on the horizon. They constantly came to my mother and me on weekends. And when we were alone, he tried to compliment me. At first, his behavior even scared me. I cut him off in mid-sentence several times. But he didn't seem to understand. Once I even asked my mother not to come to us with her husband. Vladimir, of course, was offended, but it was easier for me.

Once I called him myself, which I still regret. A new TV broke down in our house, and I asked Vladimir to fix the breakdown. He came in the afternoon, at that time I was at home alone. When Volodya fixed the TV, I offered him a cup of coffee. In the kitchen, he began to reach out to me. I could not refuse - I was drawn to him. Since then, our relationship has resumed again. We meet two or three times a week. I know that I am doing wrong, but I cannot refuse Volodya either.

I know that many will judge me. I reproach myself for betraying both my mother and my husband. Perhaps this is my fate. I see that Volodya himself does not take our relationship seriously, as if it were some kind of entertainment. And I accept it. Although deep down I am very afraid that relatives will find out about our connection. But I still hope that this never happens. I also believe that one day I will be able to erase Vladimir from my life once and for all.

Alevtina, St. Petersburg.

It's good that my mother helped with everything. You studied, worked anywhere and by anyone, devoted all weekends to your daughter, and when you got a stable income, you only had a job and a daughter. You did not pay attention to your personal life, you waited for your daughter to grow up.

This is a typical situation for many single women and you, it was reassuring. And when your daughter turned 14, you met a young man. At first we met secretly, and then you decided to tell your daughter. You could not even imagine what a serious problem with a matured daughter this decision would turn out to be. The daughter did not mind, and you got married, the husband moved to live with you. Your daughter reacted surprisingly calmly to your marriage and to the presence of your stepfather in your apartment. You were glad that your grown-up daughter understood you and this did not lead to any serious problem, as your friend suggested. For the first time in your life, you felt for real happy. But then relations in the family became tense.

Daughter as if on purpose ran into quarrels with you, began to talk in a completely unacceptable tone. Your remarks about studying were taken with hostility, late returns home became the norm. She began to dress provocatively, dyed her hair and was rude to you at every step. She especially tried to betray her tactlessness in the presence of her stepfather. Now you understood that a serious problem with a grown-up daughter could not be avoided. But you still did not understand what kind of serious problem you would have with your matured daughter.

During the next showdown, the daughter betrayed that she fell in love with her stepfather and that she liked him from the very beginning, as soon as he appeared. He, allegedly, also showed interest in her, and you only interfere with her. In other words, they have an affair with their stepfather. Having betrayed all this, the daughter ran away from home, and you, having sobbed enough, decided to talk to your husband. The conversation was complicated: the husband denied everything, and said that he would tear his daughter's ears for such jokes. He hugged you and swore to everything in the world that he did not give the girl any reason. You don't know what to think and who to believe. If a matured daughter fell in love with her stepfather, then how to behave?

How to live under the same roof with a daughter who hates you because you are the wife of the man she loves? And now you began to trust your husband less, doubts tortured you, because it is difficult to resist the beauty and charm of a touching young girl ...

Now you're not only living with a serious problem, now you're living in hell. You pretend that nothing happened, the daughter also accepted the rules of the game: she practically does not talk to you, comes home late and immediately goes to bed. You know perfectly well that this situation will not resolve itself. The daughter could invent all this because of jealousy, and, perhaps, completely unconsciously. In any case, pretending that nothing happened is a bad tactic. So not for long and to please the hospital with a nervous breakdown.

Such an outcome nobody needs. "Life in hell" can be ended quickly enough if you seek help from a psychologist who works with families. An experienced specialist will help you deal with a difficult situation. But it’s not worth it to arrange “face-to-face bets” on your own. Attempts to bring the "guilty" to clean water nothing good will end. Such amateur activity will only lead to a serious conflict and, it is possible, to the collapse of the family. Everyone should go to psycho-corrective sessions together. Talking about the problem and jointly searching for its solution will surely give a positive result. At such meetings, the psychologist avoids giving advice and does not take on the role of judge. It only encourages everyone to an active dialogue and finding a mutually beneficial compromise.