How to refuse obsessive people? How to properly refuse a person so as not to offend: the best phrases

I don't know how to refuse. That is, of course, I try to say no politely, but I very rarely succeed. Usually all my attempts to politely refuse without offending the person end either in offense or in the phrase “okay, I’ll see what I can do.” The most extreme case - This . I don’t know if deception is small, for good, or half true. This is an even more difficult question.

Constantly deceive - Not good good way out, which in the end will still lead to conflict, since you will be completely confused and lie.

How to refuse your boss who once again asks you to stay after work? How to say a firm “no” to your relatives without them being offended? How can you let your friends know that you can't help them at the moment?

In fact, there are a huge number of options, we just don’t know about them.

Your offer sounds very tempting, but unfortunately I have too much to do right now

With the phrase “this sounds very tempting,” you let the person know that his offer interests you. And the second part says that you would love to participate (or help), but at the moment you have too many urgent tasks.

It’s a nice refusal, but from my own experience I can say that for close friends or relatives it’s only suitable once or twice, and even then not in a row. If you refuse them in this way for the third time, the fourth time no one will offer you anything. This is especially true for picnics and other entertainment events.

Remember once or twice - and then either change your social circle (for some reason you constantly refuse them?), or finally go somewhere. What if you like it?

But for people you don’t see very often, this answer is perfect.

I'm very sorry, but when was the last time I did such and such, I had a negative experience

Mental or emotional trauma - another interesting option. Only a sadist will continue to insist that a person do something he doesn’t like. Or a complete optimist with the slogan “What if the second time is better?!”

Although with some grandmothers trying to feed their emaciated offspring, the answers “I don’t eat meat,” “I’m lactose intolerant,” or “I don’t like boiled vegetables” don’t work.

But if we say that in last time after you drank milk and couldn’t be in society all day due to stomach problems, you may be saved. Granny, of course, will look at you a little askance and with a slight reproach, but she will not pour it into the cup with the words: “Well, this is homemade, from Aunt Klava, nothing will come of it!”

I would love to, but...

Another good way refuse. You would love to help, but, unfortunately, you can’t at the moment. Just don't go into lengthy explanations of why.

Firstly, when you start explaining something in detail, you gradually begin to feel yourself. And secondly, in this way you give the person the opportunity to latch on to something in your story and persuade you.

Just a short and clear answer. No essays on the topic “I would love to, but you understand, I need to do...”.

To be honest, I don't know much about this. Why don't you ask N, he's a pro at this

This is by no means a switch.

If you've been asked to do something or give advice and you don't feel competent enough, why not suggest someone who really knows about it? This way you will not only not offend the person, but will also show that you care and are trying to help as much as you can.

I can't do this, but I'll be happy to help with...

On the one hand, you refuse to do what they are trying to impose on you, on the other - Still, you help and at the same time choose what you want to do.

You look great, but I don't quite understand it

What to do if a friend bought a dress that, to put it mildly, doesn’t really suit her. Here the dilemma arises: “who is more friend” - the one who will tell the truth, or the one who will say that she looks great in all her outfits?! This applies not only to appearance, but also to the choice of apartment, job and life partner, in the end.

But who are we to talk freely about fashion? If we were, for example, famous designers, then they could criticize and immediately offer several other options to choose from.

What if not? Then either tell it like it is, if you are confident in the adequacy of your girlfriend or boyfriend, or turn the tables on some celebrity from the world.

This sounds great! But, unfortunately, I have a very busy schedule now. Let me call you back...

This answer is great when the option is interesting, but right now you're not really in a position to help. This way, you not only do not offend the person, but also leave yourself the opportunity to join the offer that interests you a little later.

Even at psychology lectures at the university, we were taught that we must refuse by starting a sentence with the word “yes” and then adding the notorious “but”.

It works, however, not always. It all depends on the situation and the person. You won’t be able to fuss for a long time and sooner or later you will have to explain why it’s still “no”.

But if you are diplomatic and firm enough, then over time people will know that if you refuse, it is not because you are simply lazy or do not want to have anything to do with them, but because you are very busy man and you definitely can, but a little later. Ultimately, people must learn to respect you and your opinions. As are you, by the way. - someone else's.

Constantly deceive - not a very good solution, which in the end will still lead to conflict, since you will be completely confused and lie.

In fact, there are a huge number of options, we just don’t know about them.

Your offer sounds very tempting, but unfortunately I have too much to do right now

Remember once or twice - and then either change your social circle (for some reason you constantly refuse them?), or finally go somewhere. What if you like it?

But for people you don’t see very often, this answer is perfect.

I'm very sorry, but when was the last time I did such and such, I had a negative experience

Although with some grandmothers trying to feed their emaciated offspring, the answers “I don’t eat meat,” “I’m lactose intolerant,” or “I don’t like boiled vegetables” don’t work.

But if you say that the last time after you drank milk, you couldn’t be in society for the whole day because of stomach problems, you might be saved. Granny, of course, will look at you a little askance and with a slight reproach, but she will not pour it into the cup with the words: “Well, this is homemade, from Aunt Klava, nothing will come of it!”

I would love to, but...

Another good way to refuse. You would love to help, but, unfortunately, you can’t at the moment. Just don't go into lengthy explanations of why.

Just a short and clear answer. No essays on the topic “I would love to, but you understand, I need to do...”.

To be honest, I don't know much about this. Why don't you ask N, he's a pro at this

This is by no means a switch.

I can't do this, but I'll be happy to help with...

On the one hand, you refuse to do what they are trying to impose on you, on the other - Still, you help and at the same time choose what you want to do.

You look great, but I don't quite understand it

But who are we to talk freely about fashion? If we were, for example, famous designers, then we could criticize and immediately offer several other options to choose from.

What if not? Then either tell it like it is, if you are confident in the adequacy of your girlfriend or boyfriend, or turn the tables on some celebrity from the world.

This sounds great! But, unfortunately, I have a very busy schedule now. Let me call you back...

Even at psychology lectures at the university, we were taught that we must refuse by starting a sentence with the word “yes” and then adding the notorious “but”.

It works, however, not always. It all depends on the situation and the person. You won’t be able to fuss for a long time and sooner or later you will have to explain why it’s still “no”.

But if you are diplomatic and firm enough, then over time people will know that if you refuse, it is not because you are simply lazy or do not want to have anything to do with them, but because you are a very busy person and will definitely you can, but a little later. Ultimately, people must learn to respect you and your opinions. As are you, by the way. - someone else's.

Quite often it happens that people have to do something that they don’t want to do at all, and all because they simply could not refuse a request from one of their relatives, friends, or colleagues in time. Is it possible to save yourself from performing unpleasant tasks and how to learn to refuse people? In reality, this is not so difficult to do, the main thing is to listen to the recommendations of experienced psychologists.

Experts say that those who constantly agree to help others to the detriment of their own interests sooner or later face problems such as headaches, stress, depression, and dissatisfaction with life. Is it worth exposing yourself to such danger or is it better to try to understand how to correctly and tactfully refuse a person who asks?

First of all, you need to determine whether a friend, relative or colleague truly needs help. Perhaps he simply wants to shift the fulfillment of duties that are unpleasant to him onto someone else’s shoulders. If we are talking about a task that the person asking can perfectly cope with himself, spending a little more effort and time, you just need to rid yourself of the feeling of guilt.

As a rule, people who ask for a favor are those who have a high degree of responsibility for everything that happens and are distinguished by perfectionism (the desire to see everything through to the end). Therefore, you need to understand for yourself: it is impossible to do everything for others, and no one is to blame for this, except those who failed to correctly plan the time and energy to solve their affairs. So, the first “secret” of how to competently refuse a person’s request is to decide for yourself that you do not owe anything to anyone, and to put your interests first, exclusively.

Ability to handle different forms of refusal

There are several simple ways that can help you on how to refuse a person culturally and not offend him. The most banal, but at the same time the most effective, is to refer to your own employment, especially if this corresponds to reality. In some cases, an acquaintance or colleague may go further and ask for a favor “for the future,” that is, when you have free time. Experts recommend not giving immediate consent, but warning: it is possible that after finishing the first case, you will have a second, third, and so on.

If the person asking is particularly persistent, you can set a condition for him, for example: “I help you with this, and you do this for me, because otherwise I simply won’t be able to find the time to help you.” This is called “properly killing two birds with one stone.” An acquaintance receives what he asked for; you do not lose anything, and, most importantly, warm relations remain between you.

Refusing does not mean offending

In some cases, you can say a firm “no” without excuses or explanations - when a request is made by an unfamiliar or not very close person. In such situations, even apologizing is not necessary, especially if we are talking about some burdensome or unpleasant things. Tactless individuals may begin to ask to explain the reason for the refusal, but they do this completely unreasonably: you are an adult and should not be accountable to strangers who are not even your friends or relatives. As a last resort, the answer “I can’t help you due to personal circumstances” is acceptable, without detailed explanations.

When someone close to you asks for a favor, of course, it is more difficult to respond negatively to the request, but even here there are several options for how to refuse to a loved one and at the same time not offend him. For example, you can say that you simply do not understand the question that is being asked to you, or that you are afraid of solving the problem poorly or incorrectly, because you do not have enough knowledge, experience, or competence. Well-mannered people will never impose a complex matter and will try to turn to someone else who is better versed in the subject.

The main thing is not to give in to persuasion

Sometimes the person asking tries to persuade him to agree in every possible way - through persuasion, entreaties and even blackmail. Once you follow a lead, you will forever open a “loophole” that will be used by unscrupulous acquaintances. With such people you need to behave decisively, and not be afraid to offend them with a refusal: they, in turn, do not think at all about your feelings, and about what they can do to you that is unpleasant.

Psychologists even highlight the point that a request can correctly say a lot about a person: about his character, principles, rules of life. Perhaps a rude request will become a kind of “litmus test” that will make you think about whether you need to continue communicating with this individual.

Refuse...temporarily

Of course, not all requests should be refused; It is important to distinguish between the empty whims of others and truly important requests. In some situations, it is difficult to immediately determine how complex and time-consuming the task will be, and whether it is feasible at all. Experts recommend not to agree instantly, but to take time to think, that is, refuse the person, but temporarily. It is enough to state that you now have more important things to do, and only then, in a calm and peaceful atmosphere, think over all the details of the request and make the right decision.

If it turns out to be quite simple, you can meet halfway, but in the case when it comes to an unpleasant or too difficult issue, you can again culturally refer to being busy or directly declare your reluctance to help, since this will take too much time and effort, so necessary for solving your own issues.

Video response on the topic “How to refuse and not become an enemy” from the “Success” program

Partial "no"

Learning to refuse people without offending them seems difficult at first, but over time, the ability to culturally say a reasoned and firm “no” can become part of your character, freeing up time for more pleasant activities - walks with friends, activities with children, meetings with loved ones. For those who cannot instantly transform from a universal “helper” into a person capable of tactfully refusing, experts recommend learning to do this gradually.

For example, when asked by a neighbor to walk her dog, there are three acceptable responses for “beginners”:

only on certain days of the week
only in good weather
just no more than 15 minutes

On the one hand, you agreed to help, on the other hand, you took into account your interests and chose the most acceptable conditions for yourself.

What about "yes"?

It is possible and necessary to provide services to others! Just don’t “put everyone on your neck” who wants to receive free and high-quality help. Always put first own desires and priorities, and even in cases where someone you know was offended by receiving a refusal, this does not mean that you - bad person. Rather, it will mean that a colleague or friend communicated with you solely for his own benefit. Value your personal time, it is an irreplaceable resource!

It is believed that it is psychologically much more comfortable for a person to agree than to refuse. Indeed, many have great difficulty in saying “No,” even if they objectively had every moral and legal right to refuse. We invite you not to ignore the right to negative answers and give several advice, how to learn to refuse and don't worry about it.

Why is it important to be able to say no?

Feelings of guilt and embarrassment, anger on yourself and the one who contacted you, lost time, money etc., execution someone else's work, solution other people's problems etc. - these are just some of the consequences faced by those who do not know how to refuse correctly. Plus interrupted plans, problems with friends or family members, which are “exchanged” for the fulfillment of the next request, constant stress, lack of time and other “joys of life”, up to serious psychological problems. And all because of the difficulty in saying no.

Let’s add here the fact that many manipulators know very well (on a conscious or subconscious level) who in their environment cannot refuse, and are starting to actively use it. This is how some people start working for two, regularly babysit other people’s children, or take on solving other people’s problems on an ongoing basis. But even if you are lucky and there are no manipulators in your environment (or they could not adapt you to achieve their goals), the ability to refuse a request or something similar will certainly be useful to you.

Of course, we do not suggest saying no to everyone (especially before the question has been asked). We just want to help you learn to say no and not feel bad about it. Therefore, in this article we do not offer you universal “excuses” for all occasions: our focus is not on excuses, but on the process itself of how best to refuse so as not to offend anyone and not experience internal torment yourself.

Why and to whom we don’t like to refuse

Before moving on practical advice, how to properly refuse people, let’s think about why it’s so difficult for us to do this? Different reasons come into play for different individuals, but the most typical ones can be identified. As with many other questions,
knowledge of the cause is necessary in order to choose the right strategy of action in the future.

Of course, one of the most common reasons: we are afraid that because of our refusal the person will be offended by us. Please note: not “we will offend”, but “they will be offended by us.” After all, there may be no objective reasons for grievances and conflicts, but this does not negate the fact that refusal is sometimes taken too seriously by the person asking. Often it is this reluctance to offend that becomes the basis of the very feeling of guilt that accompanies those who find it difficult to say no.

Another formally similar reason: someone, in principle, needs to be talked about thought only good- such a person should be liked by everyone around him, and it seems to him that refusing a request will “lower” the degree of love for him and spoil the existing image. To combat this condition, among other things, it is important to address its root cause, increase self-esteem, and reduce dependence on other people’s opinions. However, our tips on how to say no correctly will be useful in this case too.

Many people don’t know how to refuse help because they have strong internal installation that everyone needs help. As a rule, this model of behavior is established in childhood, and although in itself it is very kind and humane, it can cause a lot of trouble in adulthood. However, let us remind you once again that we do not propose to refuse everyone, we only suggest that you learn to say no in order to reject only unnecessary requests. Therefore, if you are affected by the problem of internal taboo, then even in this case you should try to gradually learn to say no.

Some people prefer not to refuse, because every request/offer made to them elevates them in their eyes, raises self-esteem.

Such people like to feel needed and useful, they like the feeling of being needed. And here, as in the case of universal adoration, among other things, it is important to work with the root cause of such a state.

More mercantile reason: we don’t want to refuse, fearing that in the future this person will not help us (will not meet us halfway) or that refusal will backfire on us. This is especially true when it comes to work relationships. For example, that in retaliation the boss will not allow you to leave early next time or will not give you a bonus, and your colleague will not cover up your lateness. Read more about why such fear is not always justified in the material.

One of the main tips: overcome the fear of refusal and the resulting feeling of guilt. This is especially true in cases where the problem is caused internal installations and/or if you are dealing with manipulators. Having said “No” once, you will see that the world has not turned upside down, but taking on extra tasks, problems, etc. you didn't have to. For some people, such “experiments” in refusals after a series of endless consents give them a feeling of freedom, a feeling that they control their own destiny, etc. Perhaps you will enjoy this experience so much that all the moral torment that could be associated with this event will disappear by itself.

Choose the right way to communicate

Of course, for most people it is more difficult to refuse in person than over the phone, and orally it is more difficult than in writing. Remember this, especially at first choose the method that is most convenient for you(most likely this will be electronic means of communication). Transfer to it even those who contact you through another “channel”. For example, if a distant friend calls you with a request that seems completely inappropriate to you, tell him that you need to check your calendar, work plan, discuss it with your significant other, etc. And after a while, write your refusal - for example, by SMS, by mail, via a social network, etc. This will also help you reduce the intensity of bad emotions (both on your part and on his part) and, probably, not allow yourself to be convinced (more details below).

Select response form

Sometimes the best refusal: this just say "No"(a more detailed version - “No, I can’t”, “No, it won’t work out that way”, etc.), without giving any explanation. This is especially true when you are dealing with manipulators (colleagues who have already pinned their tasks on you or shameless relatives to whom you owe everything). If they are
insist on an answer don't give a specific reason, and answer as vaguely as possible: “I don’t have such an opportunity,” “I already said that I can’t do this,” “This is absolutely not suitable for me.” Repeat the same answer (for example, “No, I can’t”) until they leave you alone.

Short answers don't give you the opportunity to break down your excuses and show that you actually can do anything. Plus, you won't look like you're making excuses (we'll talk more about this below). Another advantage: short answers will help you shorten the conversation, which means there is a chance that the interlocutor will still get you to do what he needs.

Of course, this advice is completely inappropriate if you are thinking about how to tactfully refuse a friend, spouse, or other to a loved one- in a word, to someone who is really dear to you. In this case, it is necessary to give a reason. And here we move on to the next point.

Don't make excuses

In most cases, if you tell someone no, you will be expected to explain. It's very it is important to state the reason, but not to make excuses. In theory, most people understand the difference between these terms, but how to distinguish one from the other in practice? It seems that the main thing is not so much in the specific reason that you give, but in how you present the information.

As you work on your ability to refuse, take a look at our article on developing emotional and social intelligence. Those with high levels of EQ and SQ find it much easier to communicate and understand people's emotions.

In particular, don't give away too much detail or overwhelm the person with unnecessary information, don't over-apologize, don't throw out multiple reasons at once, don't show guilt (both verbally and non-verbally), etc. Be calm (at least outwardly) and confident. Imagine that you are simply talking about the weather outside the window - presenting the facts, but do not put yourself in the position of blame or subordinate.

Excuses are bad, firstly, because they are poorly perceived by others: if you show yourself to be actually guilty, then they will perceive you in the same way. Secondly, excuses can influence your internal feeling of guilt - if you talk about yourself as if you are guilty, then, most likely, you will think too. Thus, even within the framework of internal dialogue, do not justify yourself, but give reasons.

Suggest options

If we are talking about people who are really dear to you, then it is logical to accompany the refusal not only by indicating the reason, but also offering an alternative option. This, firstly, will demonstrate to colleagues/friends/relatives that, in principle, you want to help them and are ready to meet them halfway, but the request they offer really does not suit you. Secondly, it will help you get rid of the guilt or embarrassment of refusing.

You will see that you are not leaving the person to their fate and that he will be able to solve his problem one way or another. Among other things, this advice will help cut off those who are not focused on finding compromises or more convenient options for you, but simply want to shift their worries onto your shoulders.

Stand your ground

If you decide to refuse, don't let yourself be convinced. If you feel that you are almost ready to say “Okay, I’ve persuaded you” or “Well, okay...”, then it’s best either interrupt communication or start giving as short answers as possible,
what we talked about above. This rule is especially true if you are dealing with manipulators, annoying colleagues, arrogant relatives, etc. If you change your mind, it will be additional evidence for those around you that you will definitely agree to everything, all you need to do is put more pressure on you.

The same advice is relevant if you are “lucky” to run into a person who does not know how to accept refusals. For some, this trait is so pronounced that they seem to “switch off” when they hear the word “no”, and the conversation actually begins to go in circles. In this case, we suggest you just stop talking. Yes, the last word will remain with your interlocutor, but by then you will have time to clearly express your position on this issue. Remember: he who has ears, let him hear.

Consent as refusal

Interesting and practical option How to say no beautifully in response to an inappropriate request - agree. And at the same time be sure to set your own conditions- perhaps those that will turn your consent into an actual refusal. For example, if you are asked to take a hack, set very high prices or extended deadlines. If your friends ask you to come to the other end of the city to water the flowers, say that you will only have time to do this if you take a taxi, and ask if your friends are ready to pay for it (money in advance!).

If a coworker asks you to take over his project, tell him to negotiate with your boss to take the current task off your plate. If the boss himself became the source of the problems, say that you will take on a new task, but then you definitely won’t have time to do this and that, and let the boss himself decide what task you will ultimately take on. If you are regularly asked to go out on weekends, respond to the next such request by saying that you will go out, but then you will have to take a day off on Monday.

In all these cases it is very important speak calmly and firmly, without issuing an ultimatum or making excuses. Moreover, if your counterpart agrees to the proposed conditions, it is understood that you, in turn, will have to do what you agreed to. Therefore, try to think in advance about what exactly to ask for.

Stay calm [at least outwardly]

Calm(at least externally) is a very important quality for those who want to master the art of delicate refusals.
Firstly, calmness will be a testament to your self-confidence. Secondly, sometimes excessive emotionality can lead to conflicts and resentment. It turns out, for example, as follows. Let's say you are asked to babysit a child. Believing that refusal will lead to a quarrel and litigation, you initially respond with a challenge (although no one has yet reproached you for anything). As a result, your friend receives a verbal “slap in the face” in response to a completely calm request. Most likely, this is what will cause his resentment, and not at all the fact that you do not want to babysit.

And of course, maintaining external calm increases the chances that you will soon achieve internal calm. And by this we mean that you will start saying no faster, without really experiencing moral torment.

Don't forget to think about yourself

The problem of many who do not know how to refuse is that they very often think about others and too little about themselves. In itself, of course, this is wonderful, humane, noble, etc. However, this only becomes to your detriment if you are dealing with someone who only cares about himself and does not think about you at all. In such cases there is no one to take care of you but you.
When communicating with such people, it is important to put your interests, plans, goals, etc. first.

When refusing someone, remind yourself that in fact you don't owe anyone anything. In other words, you can help a person if you consider it necessary, or you may not help - especially if you understand that in fact they are simply taking advantage of you, because you do not know how to refuse.

Once again, we repeat that we do not call for absolute selfishness or for saying no to everyone. We only encourage you to take a balanced approach to incoming requests and proposals and agreed because you really want and can help, and not because you can’t refuse.

What you shouldn’t be afraid of when refusing people

In the last part of the article, we decided to summarize some aspects regarding the two most common concerns associated with saying no to other people. It's about grievances and missed opportunities. Why are they actually not as scary as they might seem?

Don't be afraid of insults

This principle applies to almost any group you want to say no to. Of course for different people There will be different approaches. So, the grievances of arrogant relatives who are already annoying you are not equivalent to the grievances of the people you really care about. In general, here we can propose the following rationalistic model: if there is an adequate person in front of you who needs your help, he will not be offended by a motivated refusal or by the offer of an alternative option (or a joint search for it).
Of course, he may show negative emotions (excitement, annoyance, etc.), however, most likely, it will not be about resentment or conflicts. Again, with the right person, problems can be solved.

If they take offense at you even over a trifle, then it’s probably one of two things: 1) it's not about refusal as such; 2) in front of you one of the “problem” personality types: manipulator, not quite adequate person, too narcissistic person, etc. In the first case, it is logical to deal with the root cause (but not right now, but when you both move a little away from emotions). In the second, the most rational option would be to correlate the actual need/importance of what is being asked of you and the inconvenience that it will cause you. In such situations, it is useful to remember that for most manipulators and inappropriate people the concept of gratitude is alien, but they very easily sit on others’ necks. Therefore, think about how terrible this offense is for you? Maybe because of her, in fact, it will only become easier for you, since this person will stop pestering you?

Don't be afraid to miss opportunities

As we said, sometimes we cannot refuse a boss or, for example, a colleague, because we believe that it will come back to haunt us later or because of this we will miss some opportunities. Of course, this option cannot be ruled out, but it is useful to remember the other side of this problem. Often, those who always agree to everything are perceived worse than those who can firmly and correctly refuse. The fact is that, having become accustomed to receiving your consent, colleagues and management will take it for granted and absolutely for granted. Your endless willingness to go the extra mile will not be perceived as your merit and is unlikely to bring any dividends.

The psychological side of the issue is also important. People who agree to everything are often seen as insecure, low in self-esteem, a sucker, or a work addict.
(materially or morally). This opinion develops even when none of the above actually applies to the employee. As a result, instead of issuing an additional bonus or promoting such an employee, they begin to take advantage of him more and more. Although, of course, this is only the most common scenario for the development of events, and not a rule. Just keep this principle in mind when planning to work another weekend for free.

Learning to say no to an inappropriate request from a colleague or boss (or to agree but ask for compensation) is more likely to benefit you than endless yeses. Then at least it won’t turn out that you sacrificed everything for the company, and it bypassed you at every opportunity.

Of course, if you have already earned the reputation of a person who is always ready for anything, refuse colleagues gradually– first, gently ask for compensation or offer compromises, give consent, but on your own terms. Otherwise, there is a high probability that your refusals will be considered whims and will cause too much displeasure. When colleagues get used to changes in your behavior, your “No” will be perceived as quite normal.

“No” is an incredibly simple word to pronounce, but many people find it difficult to say, despite the fact that others use it about them quite often and impartially. Many people are unable to refuse a person. There are people who, not wanting to offend another, categorically refuse to say “no”, expecting some kind of negative consequences in case of refusal.

There are many reasons why they cannot protect yourself from manipulation and say this simple word. As a result of constant continuous violence against oneself, a person earns stress. It makes no sense to take your psyche to such an extreme. Polite refusal can make your life a lot easier.

In this article we will try to thoroughly understand why it is sometimes so difficult to say “no” and learn how to learn to refuse people.

Why is it so hard to say no?

Many people agree in cases where they would gladly say no. Why is this happening? In fact, saying “yes” is much easier, since such an answer, despite the internal violence against oneself, is more comfortable for many. When a person agrees to a request, in most cases he can count on gratitude and a positive attitude towards himself. When you say “yes” to your boss, a co-worker, or an unknown passerby on the street, you have every chance of feeling goodwill and sympathy for yourself.

Refusal is inextricably linked with the need to justify one’s “no,” thereby heating up the situation between people. When you say no, you may have a 100% feeling that you did the right thing, but nevertheless, there is some internal discomfort due to the fact that you feel that you were not responsive enough. You may even feel guilty for not helping the person.

Low self-esteem can also cause people to be unable to say no. This quality is formed in childhood. If the parents loved the child just for who he is, then he will not have problems with self-esteem. Such people are able to say “no” absolutely regardless of other people’s opinions without any feeling of guilt. A person doesn’t even think about making excuses to someone. He just says no because it's what's best for him.

If a person is overly educated, then he runs the risk of turning into a trouble-free personality. The fear of appearing poorly brought up becomes the reason that a person simply cannot imagine how to politely refuse. To get rid of such a complex, it is enough to understand one simple truth: the word “no” in no way violates the norms of decency, and in some situations even strengthens them.

Another reason why people fail to refuse is a misunderstanding of the significance of refusal.

Why is it important to learn to say “no”

When you politely refuse a person, you can save yourself wasted hours, days, or even months of your personal time. This way, you won't fall into the so-called promise trap.

A trouble-free person initially remains at a disadvantage for himself. Such a personality will be constantly used by everyone for their own interests, and the person himself will neglect his own. The importance of mutual assistance cannot be denied, since it is an important component of normal relationships between people. But by constantly fulfilling someone’s requests, while ignoring his personal interests, a person acquires a reputation as a spineless person who can be used without a twinge of conscience.

The desire to learn to say “no” will instantly stop any manipulation from others. In addition, if we fail to refuse any request, we risk letting down the person who turned to us for help, because the lack of time, desire and energy to do something will lead to ineffective completion of the task. In the case when you are not able to cope with some problem, it is better to refuse immediately than to force the person to place certain hopes on you. Remember that by constantly responding positively to any requests, you risk completely losing touch with your own “I”, not realizing what you really want.

When will you understand how to properly refuse someone, you will gain significant respect in your social circles. When you say “no”, it does not mean that you become unnecessary to people. There are many different options to prove your irreplaceability and uniqueness.

Successful people know simple recipe for success. To do this, you need to do exclusively what arouses admiration and enthusiasm. In order to weed out uninteresting and useless tasks, you simply need to learn to say “no.”

To achieve the unprecedented career growth and to learn to manage your life, you must be able to firmly and impartially refuse when your heart tells you, and agree where your intuition says “this is really what you need!”

The ability to refuse - how to learn to say “no”

The main mistake of people who do not know how to say “no” correctly, is that they do not realize that anyone can get into their position just as they can. However, if you see any signs of aggression as a reaction to your rejection, you should definitely consider whether it makes sense to contact someone who completely ignores your interests.

Don't give people the opportunity to slow you down on your way to set goal. If any request seems insignificant compared to your plans, then you should definitely answer with a 100% refusal. Don't make someone else's life easier at the expense of your own happiness. Remember that you have your own life, work, interests, leisure and hobbies.

In order to understand how to refuse correctly, you need to clearly highlight your life priorities. For example, you put the peace and well-being of your family first, your career second, and hobbies and hobbies third. Don't forget these things when you're vacillating between yes and no.

If there is an expression that says that even a dead fish can easily swim with the flow, but only the one with a backbone will go against it. Unless you are a spineless creature, when you need to refuse, show strength of character and determination, and remember that you have the right to refuse in any case when the request goes against your interests.

You need to find and strengthen your resolve. Before making a decision, be sure to think about the motives of this or that person, decide whether his request really plays into your hands. Make a decision in your head about refusal and confidently express it to your interlocutor.

When you say “no,” be sure to use the pronoun “I.” Briefly justify your refusal so that the person understands why he came across your “no”. You should not mumble or show any signs of uncertainty, since such behavior will either lead to conflict situation, or they will still take advantage of your vulnerable position, and you will again say an unwanted “yes”. Refuse as firmly and succinctly as possible so that your interlocutor does not have the desire to persuade you.

Remember that your posture and intonation should communicate your confidence. This is very important.

Some psychologists advise recording in a special notebook those moments when you were unable to answer “no.” It is necessary to evaluate in what situations and with what people this happened more often. You need to describe the feelings you experience at such moments, and also think about how you should have behaved in a given situation.

How to properly refuse a person - how to say “no”

In cases where you know for sure that you will refuse a person, you should not interrupt him. Give him the opportunity to speak fully. Refusal should not look like a spit on his interests with high mountain. In order to show a lack of indifference towards the person asking, you can show the person some alternative options way out of the situation. We need to understand that very often we have to refuse proposals or requests that under other circumstances or at another time we would have responded with consent. So don't forget to offer various options solving certain problems.

It’s good when the refusal must be formalized in in writing, even if communication occurs in real time. You always have time to think through your “no.” If you contact a person verbally, never respond immediately with the argument that you need to think about it. This formulation will simultaneously prepare the person for a possible refusal and give you the opportunity to buy some time to justify your “no.”

When you finally decide to refuse, think through everything you plan to say. You are unlikely to give up something very pleasant, so your emotions can be very diverse.

It must be borne in mind that in most cases your refusal will be followed by another attempt to convince you. Listen to your partner without interrupting. Voice your refusal again, several times if necessary. This technique is called a “broken record.” Form clear, understandable arguments.

In order to make your refusal a little softer, you can use the so-called “Refusal with Understanding” technique. Let your interlocutor understand that you sympathize with his problem, and convince him that there is nothing you can do to help at the moment. It would not be superfluous to add how important it is for you to trust a person in you.

Summarizing everything said above, we note that no matter how they try to manipulate you, you are not obliged to make excuses to anyone. Often, a firm “no” without unnecessary ranting is enough for no one to ever think about using you for their own purposes.

You should also not go to extremes by refusing any requests. Remember that the decision to fulfill a particular request should be your own, and not the product of another person’s manipulation.