Question to the psychologist:

Good afternoon, dear psychologists and site visitors!

My name is Natalia, I am 32 years old, I am raising two children from my first marriage alone. Divorced for 1.5 years. Working.

My story is this... Seven months ago, a man (46 years old) came to work with me for his professional interests. We struck up a conversation and exchanged contacts. From our first communication, it became clear to me that he liked me outwardly, and as a professional in my field. He, in turn, at first glance did not make a special impression on me as a man, but he was very interested as a person. My conjectures were confirmed, and he began to look for reasons to meet. At first it was working moments, but then, when we started to get to know each other better, it turned out that we have a lot in common. His personal qualities, life achievements, professionalism, intelligence, sense of humor, charisma, perseverance, tirelessness, devotion to word and deed, led and continue to delight me. Communication takes place every day on the Internet, sometimes for several hours before bedtime. We meet once, sometimes two or three times a week. Most of the meetings take place at my work, sometimes we go to lunch in a cafe. During our meetings there is chemistry. We constantly look into each other's eyes (sometimes for 15-20 seconds in silence), laugh, both are looking for reasons to touch, hug each other, kiss (on the cheek), both feel and understand each other, chat on all topics ... other than personal relationships. I feel his care, attention, concern for me. He tells me a lot of his secrets and ideas, trusts me. He receives from me

support in business, his sports passion, approval of everything he does, admiration, compliments, attention to his life. He never puts me in an awkward position, always adapts to my conversation. Despite the fact that he has a lot of life experience behind him, he is more intelligent than me, he is interesting and fun with me, calmly. Even if I sometimes say stupid things, he will translate everything into a joke. And even if we are thousands of kilometers apart (due to mine and his business trips), I feel that he is next to me. We share photos of everything that happens around, photos of each other.

He is a very busy man, working 20 hours a day, 7 days a week. This is 100% fact. Never stands still. Everything seems to be fine, and our "friendly" relationship looks like a protracted prelude to a deeper love, but! Once, at the very beginning of our acquaintance, he uttered the following phrase in a conversation: "Sometimes you need to take a break from your family!" It doesn't matter in what context it was said. After that, about the family, and most importantly about the wife, there was no talk at all. And he behaves as if he is an absolutely lonely, ascetic person. But I remember those words, and it seems to me that "there" is someone there. And how can I be in this situation? How to break it? I can't understand what he feels for me and why he doesn't take any steps. It is as if we are walking on an invisible line, crossing which is our taboo outside of the vowel. I really value this person, and I can say with 100% certainty that I love him. Sometimes I want to interrupt everything, cut the bridges completely, so as not to think about him. Because it's hard to be friends with him. I don't have the courage to admit it myself. Ask about personal - too. I understand that I need to take some steps myself. But which way? So while I'm waiting for it to show itself. But little by little my thoughts are driving me crazy. All I want is for us to be together. It doesn't matter how long. I just want to be with him as a friend, and as a woman.

The psychologist answers the question.

Hello, Natalia. It is felt from your letter that you fell deeply in love and emotionally attached to this man. You are asking for advice on what to do. I have no right to give you advice, but I can give you information as a specialist psychologist, and then you can decide for yourself how to use it.

I can tell you for sure that by remaining in the dark about your relationship with him and whether he has a family and further, you will become more and more attached to him and more and more mentally "be with him." This happens because in reality you are not doing anything to remove the unknown and clarify for yourself whether it is possible to get what you want - the development of your relationship in the direction of love. Therefore, your psyche compensates for this in such a way - inventing a fantastic reality in your head, where it creates what you want - you are almost all the time thinking about it - and therefore, as it were (!) And with it. This almost always leads to emotional exhaustion and even some kind of anger, because after a while you will really miss what you get in reality. Your fantasies will go very far, and reality will be much more separated from them. And this causes irritation and anger.

Most likely, a man will begin to feel it and start to freeze, even if you continue to keep everything in yourself. Because reality developed differently for him than it did for you. It is possible, of course, that the man, as you hope, will clarify the relationship with you. But if he hasn't done it yet, it means he's fine as it is. Are you ready to wait and then it is not known how long, until what he receives from you now is not enough for him? What if that moment never comes? Are you ready to sacrifice yourself and your developed feelings for the sake of his desires and needs? If the inner voice answers you “yes” or even “yes for now”, then you are already in a state of emotional dependence on it, and this is a state of strong psychological maladjustment and it definitely does not benefit either you or your relationship. If you do nothing, most likely, the man will soon become "stuffy" with you in a relationship and he will stop them, and you will be very hurt. In this case, I advise you to think about contacting a psychologist in order to get out of addiction and continue this relationship with a different message to a man. Fortunately, our site has a large selection of good specialists. You can also contact me - I will be glad to help you!

Transforming friendships into romantic ones is not such a difficult task at first glance. A potential lover is always in your field of vision, as a “friend and ally” you enter into his life and personal space, you are best aware of the habits, interests and passions of the “object”. You even know what type of woman makes his heart beat faster, and who leaves him completely indifferent. It would seem, go and take it with your bare hands! In fact, according to psychologists, everything is not so simple. “Men are inherently conquerors, and easy prey in the face of an old friend of the opposite sex is not so interesting for them,” says the psychologist. Irina Tugarina. - On the other hand, your partner still evaluates you as a girl, this is nature! And in order for there to be attraction of a romantic nature, there must be attraction. If it is not there at least in a small proportion from the very beginning of the acquaintance, it is unlikely that it will appear out of the blue. To do this, a woman must change the style of relationships and change herself.”

How to get out of the friend zone

The easiest way is to change the status of "your boyfriend" to "lady of the heart" when the circumstances themselves favor the plan. For example, you know for sure that at the moment a friend is free, or at least in a state of quarrel with his passion. Otherwise, you will also have to fight with your opponent. You should not particularly count on success (especially instantaneous) even when a partner is immersed in something truly important to him: he opens his own business, prepares for important competitions, submits a project, etc. Do not rush things, wait until the object of your passion is disposed to romantic adventures. And wait, act!

Increase your distance

Try to distance yourself from him. If you are used to doing a lot of things together - eating out, going to a fitness club, playing computer games, preparing for lectures, if you share common interests and hobbies, reduce the time spent together by at least half. If you have always shown a sincere interest in the affairs of a partner, stop doing this, do not rush to him at the first call. When you are always within reach, your presence is taken for granted, as a matter of course. And eventually depreciates. Let a potential lover know that the status of a "fighting girlfriend" no longer suits you, you intend to take the relationship to a new level. Among other things, losing you out of sight, a friend will get worried and start to get bored. This will increase his interest in you and it is likely to make him look with different eyes.

Raise your own worth

You will be much more likely to leave the friend zone if your friend sees that you are popular with men. Therefore, in no case do not lock yourself in your companion, but make fans, flirt. Get creative. “Put on dramatizations,” says family psychologist Olga Tuntsova. - Ask, for example, a nice friend to meet you somewhere with a bouquet of flowers, give you a ride in a car, etc. The script of the "performance" depends solely on your imagination. The main thing is that the action develops in the presence of the “object”. After all, the spirit of competition in men is very strong. If, despite all the efforts, your friend remains indifferent, then he really sees you as “his boyfriend”. But only! Alas, in this case, the probability of becoming something more for him tends to zero. Think about whether it is worth continuing a relationship with a failed lover, how much joy you will have from such friendship.

Ask for help

Give your friend the opportunity to see you not as a friend of the opposite sex, but as a weak woman in need of protection, patronage and care. Turn to him more often for help, and do not rush to offer it yourself. Ask for help, even if you can do a thousand times better yourself. “It has been proven that people value the relationships they invest in more than the ones where they take care of themselves,” says Olga Tuntsova. - The more your friend will invest time, effort, money in you, the stronger will be emotionally attached to you. In turn, having received support, do not forget to thank your partner, do not skimp on compliments. Say how smart, strong, quick-witted he is, in general, the very best. And what would you do without it. There will also be physical contact. Feel free to hug, stroke, take by the hand. If you are going somewhere with your companion, act like his girlfriend, and not just "friend and comrade." Give the opportunity to look after you - open the door, move a chair, help put on a coat.

Whether friendship between a woman and a man can exist has been debated for centuries. But judging from the outside is one thing, and quite another to be in a similar situation yourself. What to do if you once realized: your friend means a lot more to you, and you want a romantic relationship with him?

First, evaluate your benefits. As a friend, you probably know his habits and interests, are familiar with his inner circle, have an idea of ​​what kind of women he likes. This information is invaluable when it comes to winning a man's heart.

Formed friendships also have certain disadvantages. The guy, most likely, is used to the fact that you are always “at hand”, he does not need to seek your attention, and he does not consider you as an object for a relationship. It is important for a man to feel like a conqueror, and here he already gets your attention without additional effort. So, if you want to transform your friendship into love, you need to try making lemonade out of lemons.

First, try to distance yourself from him. You probably spend a lot of time together - go to the gym or the movies, play computer games, or prepare for tests and exams. Find a hobby that has nothing to do with your friend. Let him get a little bored without you. Perhaps then, willy-nilly, he will have to think about how much you mean to him.

Secondly, stop being always available to him. Do not rush to the rescue on demand and do not rush to grab the phone if you hear the sounds of a familiar melody. What a man gets just like that loses value for him. Give him the opportunity to take the initiative in finding an interesting activity for both of you, which you could not refuse.

You can increase your own importance in his eyes by making your friend a little jealous. Show him that you are successful with the opposite sex. You don't have to have real fans. Men's fantasy is very strong, and it can break out even at the slightest hint.

Men like to help women who need it. Let your friend become your true knight. Ask for his help even when you can do a great job yourself. Any reason will do - change a light bulb, check how the antivirus works, carry a heavy bag. Let him see that you are a weak woman, and you need a man's shoulder.

Do not forget to thank him for the services provided. And don't be stingy with compliments. If you find it difficult to quickly find words that fit the situation, make a list of phrases that could be said to him in advance. A friend helped you with a difficult task - say how smart or resourceful he is. He repaired something for you - praise his golden hands.

When you go somewhere together, try to act feminine. Do not rush to open doors for yourself, put on a coat or move a chair. Let him pay attention to you. Perhaps this way he will understand that in front of him is not a comrade, but a woman.

If all your tricks do not work, try to look at your relationship from the outside. Were there such moments when “sparks” slipped between you or not? This question must be answered honestly. Psychologists assure that if there is no "chemistry", then the relationship will not work out, no matter how hard you try. Therefore, in some cases it is better to stop in order not to lose the friendship that you already have in the pursuit of illusory personal happiness.

Girls and women looking for a faithful companion in life often do not notice that right next to them there are good applicants for this role. A childhood friend, classmate or colleague at work, a good friend and helper, always there, always ready to come, support, for some reason often women do not see a future husband in such a person. And sometimes, on the contrary, two people have been friends for many years, and one of them simply dreams of a relationship, but cannot cross this border. How to go from friendship to love?

This question interests many, but is there friendship between a man and a woman? Someone believes in the existence of such friendship, someone categorically denies that it is possible. Psychologists believe that the friendship of a guy and a girl is very unnatural. Since nature has instincts in us that, at the subconscious level, make us see a sexual object in a representative of the opposite sex.

So is friendship possible between a guy and a girl? If such a friendship takes place, then it is quite possible that these relationships can develop into romantic ones over time. So how do you turn a friendship into a relationship?

A few sure steps on the way from friendship to love

How to turn friendship into something more serious? How to move to a new level of relationship? What can be done to step over the border between these two feelings? If the soul longs for more than just general trips to the cinema and conversations about football, the weather and all sorts of nonsense. If you want more, love and passion. What steps can be taken on this path, how to take relations to a new, more serious level?

Understand what you want

The first thing you need to understand is what kind of partner in life your friend wants to see next to him. By what criteria does he choose a girl, what qualities should she have. For someone it is important that the girl was at home, loved to cook; someone likes a sports girl to run in the park together in the morning; someone is admired by businesslike, strong women, etc. If these criteria suit you, and you meet this ideal, then the chances of success increase significantly.

Stop being a whining vest

Secondly, you need to stop playing the role of a “vest”, refuse to be the person who always listens to failures with other girls, advises how to attract the attention of this or that person. Complete trust is, of course, very good. But this only means that you occupy the place of “best friend” in his fate and nothing more. He simply does not see a woman in you, which means that it would never occur to him to consider you as an object of new love.

Pay Attention

The next thing you can do is draw attention to your appearance. You need to maximize your sexuality. If earlier he constantly saw a girl next to him who always wears a T-shirt and sneakers, then his mind can turn the look of an amazing girl in heels, in a dress and with great styling on her head. At that very moment, he may realize what a gorgeous person there is in his environment. And he will think about whether it is worth getting to know each other better.

More tactile contact

Another tricky trick to change the way you feel about yourself is touch. If earlier you slapped each other on the shoulder, pushed together or shook hands, now you need to try to touch him differently. Tactile sensations speak volumes. If he feels caress and tenderness in touching his face or hands, he will look at this relationship in a completely different way. Such a gesture will make it clear that you are ready to move to a new level of relationship. And whether he is ready or not, it will depend on what will happen next.

stay alone

How to determine if a guy is ready for a closer relationship? You need to create a situation where you find yourself together. Call him for help to your apartment, move something, fix it. To say that there are two tickets to the cinema, where they were going to go with a friend, and she got sick. Invite him to go instead of a friend. This will allow you to become closer, get to know each other better. Perhaps then he will look at you from the other side.

What to say in the end?

If your relationship has become warmer, you are increasingly being together, spending more and more time with each other, then you can try to talk about your feelings for him. It can be just a hint, or the truth dressed up as a joke. It is not necessary to arrange from the recognition of a grandiose event. After all, he may not be mentally prepared for such a statement. It is enough to make it clear that you want something more than friendship. And then, he will decide whether he needs it or not.

Friendship is a stone, without which no positive relationship between people is possible. It is highly desirable to have friendship both in family and in love relationships. Sometimes friendship is even more important than family; alliances and families can be built on its foundation. Unfortunately, love between lovers sooner or later turns into a habit, and in this case, only friendship remains, which helps the couple to continue to be together.

Friendship in a relationship:

Friendship in relationships of any kind is mutual support and commonality of views. People who are friends often strive for common goals. Despite the fact that quarrels and disputes can sometimes arise between people who are on friendly terms, their views on life are rarely radically opposed, they often agree, and disputes are a kind of seasoning to support relationships.

Friendship is also common interests and hobbies. It is with common interests that friendship begins, because in the presence of similar hobbies, people always find topics for endless and boring conversations. The ability to remain silent when next to each other, so as not to become bored, is also considered a sign of friendship in a relationship. After all, only kindred spirits do this, who do not necessarily need words to understand each other.

Often stories about friendship, which develops into deeper feelings, are filmed by Hollywood directors. And, of course, women willingly want to believe that this happens in life too. Such cases are not uncommon. There is an opinion that in friendship between a man and a woman, someone always counts on something more. Often, for a very long time, friends cannot step over the line, as they are afraid of various troubles that they may encounter in a love relationship.

If people were good friends before moving on to a love relationship, it means that they are already somewhat familiar with the habits and character of their partner and, through old friendship, will be able to more easily endure conflicts with him. Therefore, love after friendship takes place. Rumor has it that it is relationships that have grown from friendship into love that are considered the strongest. It is impossible to say whether this is true or not without trying it. In any case, crossing the line, you risk, but no more and no less than if you simply entered into a relationship with a new person.

It so happens that men in love often experience a feeling of fear and insecurity before approaching the object of adoration. These feelings are especially aggravated if the object of adoration is a girlfriend. After all, men firmly believe in friendship and find their passion for something wrong, which is why they are in a hurry, afraid to take a step towards love.

If you think that your friend is not indifferent to you and feel something similar for him, then it would be a crime not to take the bull by the horns. It is necessary to try to turn friendship into a relationship and thereby make happy not only yourself, but also a man.

To turn friendship into a relationship, try to meet with a friend alone more often, without prying eyes and companies. Sometimes you can create a touch of romance during an ordinary walk. For example, you can gently touch his arm with your hand and see how he reacts. A man in love, most likely, will respond to your touch, and there it’s already close to the first “adult” kiss between friends.

In any case, do not force things, study it and let the man study you so that both of you can understand if you need a love relationship and if you are ready to turn friendship into it.

Friendship in a relationship is the key to a strong union. No relationship can be built solely on the attraction of two bodies. Yes, and love, unfortunately, sooner or later goes out. But the unity of souls or friendship, in other words, often lasts for years and even decades. Friendship in a relationship is needed so that partners feel support and support in each other, know that during troubles, there will be a person, close and beloved, who can lend a hand. Friendship in relationships helps keep love afloat, makes them taller and stronger.

Before starting a family, it is very important to determine for yourself whether there is friendship in a relationship, because you need to live with a person who not only attracts you sexually, but also externally. It is very important to see in a loved one an interesting interlocutor who has views on life similar to yours.

If the relationship was destined to fall apart, the question arises as to who the former lovers will remain - enemies, friends, or simply nobody. According to the classic Erich Maria Remarque, “love is not stained with friendship,” but here everyone decides for himself.

Of course, love relationships crowned with betrayal by one of the parties are very difficult to make friendly after parting. But, if you broke up with a partner by mutual agreement, having decided that you objectively do not suit each other, then there is no reason to completely stop communicating.

In the civilized world, even ex-spouses are on friendly terms after a divorce, so this is exactly the criterion that you need to strive for if the former love did nothing wrong to you.

Meanwhile, friendship in relations between the former will look rather unnatural if one of the parties has feelings for the former. If there are mutual claims, then friendship also, most likely, will not grow together. You should also not strive for friendship, even if in a relationship you experienced boredom and did not know what to talk about with a partner.

Indications for friendship in relations between the former may be the presence of children, a joint business or a narrow circle of friends, where parted ones enter. By the way, it often happens that the former, continuing regular communication in a friendly manner, understand that they cannot do without this person, and then friendship again develops into love. However, these are already the vagaries of fate, no one can predict how it will be in your case. Anyway, bad friendship is worse than good enmity, so try to behave with your former lover, if not friendly, then at least evenly, without claims and reminders of the past.