Comic wise sayings. Funny sayings and funny aphorisms. Women's funny sayings

The collective farm is a voluntary business. If you want, join, if you don’t want, give up the cow.

What's your cat's name?
- Day or night?

Everything is something French cuisine praise. I was recently in Paris, went to one of the restaurants and tried it. Nothing special! McDonald's is like McDonald's...

From the point of view of a monkey, a person is what work can lead to.

Some people oppress us with their intelligence, others with their lack of it.

Sometimes when you reach your ceiling, you sadly realize that it’s just someone else’s floor.

Unsuccessful searches for UFOs prove that no one wants to mess with people like us.

If you don't know, shut up! You know - keep quiet!

Don't trust Russian puddles - this could be the entrance to the metro.

In this world of lies and hypocrisy, it is already so difficult to deceive anyone...

Fat women are good for warmth in winter and shade in summer.

How little a person needs to be happy and how much to understand it.

Not everyone liked Jesus Christ either, let alone me...

Psychiatry is aerobatics - where you pay to complain about yourself.

There are many advantages to getting married, but you have to get used to them.

My friend, remember that silence is good, safe and beautiful.

Acute intellectual disability.

If you haven’t married before the age of 20, then it’s too early

Everything that men do is done for the sake of women. And only idleness - for yourself!

Life took a sharp turn for the better, and many were thrown overboard.

A man finds out how bad he is in bed when he runs out of money.

If the interlocutor finds it difficult to answer, then you asked the question correctly!

Summer is only 2 months away, and the bone is still wide.

Well, what do you want from a country where a person who smiles a lot is considered strange?

If you go to bed in the evening wearing boots, you will have a headache in the morning

An expert is a person who has done more errors than you.

Decree: collective farm "Lenin's way" rename to "The ways of the Lord are mysterious".

Men's cunning compared to women's - so, amateur performances.

Do you remember the first deception in your life?
- Pacifier!

In each of us there is a genius sleeping and an idiot awake.

Men first conquer women, and then they cannot ask for time off to go out with friends.

A hypnotist once tried to hypnotize me - but it didn’t work out!
Now I gloatingly remind him of this every time I come to wash his car on Wednesdays...

Nothing ruins a target like a hit.

A person lives best in those moments when he does not know that he can live better.
Anthony Kiedis

Only very few people live for today. Most are preparing to live later.
Jonathan Swift

True courage is to love life, knowing the whole truth about it.
Sergey Dovlatov

Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.
John Lennon

Life methodically survives us from all ages.
Valery Afonchenko

Life with a wife is not easy, but life without her is completely impossible.
Cato the Elder

Our life position often turns out to be incompatible with life.
Stas Yankovsky

If you inflate your joys to the size of troubles, then you can also derive pleasure from them.
Mikhail Zhvanetsky

Time is the best teacher, unfortunately, it kills its students.
Mark Twain

It is necessary to learn from other people's mistakes. It is impossible to live long enough to accomplish them all on your own.
Hyman George Rickover

It’s probably impossible to live without a good sense of humor in life. As one aphorism says, it is humor that can make the unbearable bearable, which, in principle, is a good help in everyday life. Therefore, in almost any life situations, ironic phrases and funny statements about life help you look at your situation from a new angle - the angle of humor.

Don't pay attention to minor flaws; remember: you also have large ones.
Benjamin Franklin

Don't be afraid of big expenses, be afraid of small incomes.
John Rockefeller

Forgive your enemies - this best way piss them off.
Oscar Wilde

Just because you're alone doesn't mean you're crazy.
Stephen King

There is a test to determine whether your mission on earth is completed or not. If you're still alive, it means it's not finished.
Richard Bach

lucky man- one who is able to build a strong foundation from the stones that others throw at him.
David Brinkley

A vital ingredient to success is not knowing that what you set out to do cannot be accomplished.
Terence Pratchett

A pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity, while an optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.
Winston Churchill

Everyone wants to change humanity, but no one thinks about how to change themselves.
Leo Tolstoy

If a problem can be solved with money, then it is not a problem. It's just an expense.
Henry Ford

If you take everything too seriously, you will be afraid to take every new step. Relax and laugh, especially when things go as planned, read funny sayings about life. People with good feeling humor makes life easier.

Money doesn't buy happiness, but it makes it much more pleasant to be unhappy.
Claire Booth Loos

Anything that is not enjoyable is called work.
Bertolt Brecht

The right decision, accepted late is an error.
Lee Iacocca

Live as if this day is your last, and one day it will be so. And you will be fully armed.
George Carlin

History teaches us, at the very least, that things can always be worse.
Neil Gaiman

Try to get what you love, otherwise you will have to love what you got.
Bernard Shaw

You can't have everything. Where would you put all this?
Stephen Wright

Life is a cross-country race in which everyone strives to get ahead in order to reach the finish line last.
Vladimir Khochinsky

Life is a circus where everyone dreams of becoming a director or artist, but most become trained animals.
Stas Yankovsky

If you want your life to become brighter, stop darkening it.
Anatoly Rakhmatov

Of course, humor is a subjective thing. You may like it or not. But we tried to collect only the best funny sayings about life that will appeal to everyone.

Don't complain about life - even this might not have happened.

If you want to do something stupid, hurry up, otherwise they will get ahead of you!

Everyone is so afraid of becoming nobody in this life that they become just anyone.

When life tests you, your nerves are the first to give out.

You need to live in such a way that others experience depression.

Years will pass... And I was right: years have passed!

Nothing in life is more exhilarating than being shot at and missing.

Where we are not, it is good precisely because we are not there.

I just lay down and they’re already stabbing me to death!

Anything happens in life, but over the years it becomes less and less common.

No one has ever died from laughter. And no one grew old laughing. They say there are no old quotes, but only old people who love to retell them... So humor about life is forever young. Or even immortal.

Sometimes happiness falls so unexpectedly that you don’t have time to jump to the side.

Everything is going well. Just passing...

While I measured it seven times, others were cut off.

Happiness is when your desires are shocked by your capabilities.

It's good where we are not. It’s bad that we are not where it’s good.

It's better to be hungry than cold.

The best way out- this is the entrance.

Try to die as young as possible, as late as possible!

Don't go with the flow. Don't swim against the current. Sail where you need to go!

Direct your thoughts where they should, otherwise they will direct you where they should not.

Faith in the best and a sense of humor perfectly help to cope with any troubles in life. And sometimes the word helps much more than anything else. Funny phrase can charge you with such a portion of positivity that you can move mountains.

If no one envy you, ask yourself, are you living right?

Life is given once. I couldn't stand it again.

How much has not been done in this life! How much remains to be done...

In life there is always room for not giving a damn!

Respect old age, it is your future.

A person's life is counted in moments that he wants to stop.

Human relationships are sometimes so complex that we replace them with other, simpler ones.

Life is not as simple as you think... It is simpler...

Sometimes it’s only when you miss that you realize how you got there.

The salt of life is that it is not sugar.

A sense of humor is a kind of “Esperanto” universal code communication for all people and nations. Therefore, funny statements will be understandable to everyone. So these quotes can be safely shared on social networks as statuses. After all, it is humor that fills our lives with joyful, life-affirming, optimistically encouraging laughter!

Outstanding representatives of humanity, in order to express their opinion with their help and give it greater weight. And it doesn’t matter whether the author’s name is known or whether the aphorism belongs to folk wisdom. They are particularly successful because they help not only to express your attitude towards something, but also to show off your sense of humor.

Men about women

With the advent social networks A real battle of the sexes has begun on the Internet. Women are looking for interesting statuses to show their attitude towards the universe and men in particular. And the stronger sex uses funny statements as a weapon to resist this.

Women's funny sayings

The better half of humanity is also great at manipulating aphorisms. With their help, women can both laugh at themselves and point out to men their mistakes.

Real men don't shy away - they doubt.
When eagles are silent, parrots chatter.
It is easy to say “I will die for you” when there is no need for such a sacrifice.
Women never lie! It’s just that at first they have a girlish memory, and then sclerosis.
With a good wife, a man can become a man.
Funny sayings about blondes are written by scary brunettes on lonely evenings.
If fate hits you in the forehead, then the kick in the ass didn’t work.
It's better to be a young grandmother than an old girl.
The truth should be presented carefully, like a dish of original cuisine, and not dumped out like fresh fish on Privoz.
Women's friendship is only a suspension of hostilities.
It’s nothing, there’s a wind in my head, but the ideas are always fresh.
Some men resemble clouds when they go to become lighter.
My preferences are simple - I am satisfied with the best.
The only medicine that brings more benefit to a woman than harm is a new dress.

Funny aphorisms and statements on general topics

Pearls of the mighty of this world

It happens that an absurd, funny statement that once escaped from the lips of a politician is remembered more than his entire activity.

We have enough people who, as they say, are not on friendly terms with their heads.
As they say, touch with your own eyes and see with your own hands.
I approached people from your Cabinet of Ministers and asked what their specialty was. It turned out that somewhere a gynecologist works, somewhere a plumber works. (V. Yanukovych).

Condoleezza Rice is the same simple girl from Texas, like me.
As a child, I dreamed of becoming an astronaut, but I had to study a lot, so I became president.
Only we, the great American people, could send a lunar rover to Mars! (George W. Bush).

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OE VPKUS: RPLB PO OE KHOBEF FEVE YUFYOOKHA GEOH - OE RTPDBUF.
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ULMETP CHSHHMEYUYFSH OEMSH, ЪBFP P OEN NPTsOP ЪБВШЧФШ.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RTETSDE YUEN CHUFBCHBFSH CH RPЪKH, RPDKHNBKFE - B CHDTHZ POB RPLBTTSEFUS LPNH-OYVKhDSH RTYCHMELBFEMSHOPK...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DBTSE UBNBS VPMSHYBS RTBCHDB VEUUYMSHOB RTPFYCH NBMEOSHLPK MTSY, EUMY MPTSSH KHUFTBYCHBEF CHUEI!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
YUEMPCHYUEULBS TSYOSH RPIPTSB ABOUT LPTPVLH URYUEL: PVTBEBFSHUS U OEK UETSHOP - UNEYOP. pVTBEBFSHUS OUEETSHEOP - PRBUOP.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

lPZDB OE DPUFYZBAF TSEMBENPZP, DEMBAF CHYD, YuFP TSEMBMY DPUFYZOHFPZP.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NSHUMY LBL CHPMPUSH: X LPZP-FP - UMBVSCHE, X LPZP-FP - ZTSЪOSCHE, B X LPZP-FP - RTBLFYUEULY PFUHFUFCHHAF.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EUMY FEVS CHUЈ CHTENS FSOEF L RPMPTSYFEMSHOSHCHN MADSN, OBYUIF FSH PFTYGBFEMSHOSHCHK!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PDOP YUBNSHCHI VPMSHYI KHDPCHPMSHUFCHYK - YUKHCHUFChP FBKOPZP RTECHPUIPDUFCHB OBD FEN, LFP UYYFBEF UEVS CHCHYE, YUEN FSC.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MADY PIPFOP NPMYUBF, EUMY FEEUMBCHYE OE RPVKHTsDBEF YI ZPCHPTYFSH.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DYMENNB LTYFYLB: MYVP PVYDEFSH BCHFPTB, ULBBCH ENKH RTBCHDH, MYVP, UPMZBCH, HOYJFSH UEVS UBNPZP.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P CHLKHUBI OE URPTSF - URPTSF PV YI LBUEUFCHE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
VE'KHNGSH RTPLMBDSHCHBAF RHFY, RP LPFPTSHCHN UMEDPN RPKDHF TBUUHDYFEMSHOSHCHE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
B NSCHUMSH Y OE OBDP KHVYCHBFSH - YJHTPDHK EE DP OEKHOBCHBENPUFY POB KHNTEF UBNB.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KHUREY OYLPZDB OE RTYIPDIF PDYO. at OIN RTYIPDSF DCHE LEADING: ЪБЧУФОПЛІY УПБЧФПТШ.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MHYUYE PDYO TB CHSFSHUS ЪB KHN, YUEN RPFPN CHUA TSYOSH ICHBFBFSHUS ЪB ZPMPCHH.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Y CHPMLY USCHFSHCH, Y PCHGSHCH GEMSHCH, Y RBUFHIKH CHYUOBS RBNSFSH!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"nPULPCHULYK UFBODBTF RPMYILMYOIL" TTBTBVPFBO UREGYBMSHOP DMS MAVYFEMEK NHUYFSHUS Y RPMKHYUBFSH PF LFPZP OBUMBTSDEOYE. FERETSH CH RPMYILMYOILBI YUYUFSHCHE FHBMEFSHCH, FEMECHYPTSH Y RPYUFY OEF PUETEDEK. OP FPMSHLP DKHTBLY Y NBPIYUFSHCH, TB PFCHEDBCH LBYUEUFCHB HUMKHZ, NPZKhF TSEMBFSH RPCHPPTOPZP PVTBEEOYS CH FY UBCHEDEOYS.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oe VPMeK - CHTBY Oe DTENMeF!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RMAЈF ABOUT OBTPD, OP U LBLPK MAVPCHSHA!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
YUEN UIMSHOE CHEFET CH ZPMPCHE, FEN VPMSHYE CHSHCHMEFBEF UMPC.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OYuFP FBL OE KhFPNMSEF, LBL PTSIDBOIE RPEЪDB. pUPVEOOOP, LPZDB METSYYSH ABOUT TEMSHUBI. ( b. lBTEOYOB)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nytsyuyosch RP UCHPEK RpYpPDE UyEEUFCHB ЪBNLOyFSHCHE, FBL LBL Nytsulpe OBYUBMP FBN TSE, ZDE Y Nytsulpk LPOEG...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

lBLPK UNSHUM CH TSYYOY, EUMY X FEVS OEF YUMEOB? (- JJMSHNB dPOOY dBTLP). OH B YUFP DEMBFSH, EUMY CHUFBOEF? - RETECHETOHFSHUS ABOUT TSYCHPF Y CHSHLPRBFSH SNLH! (- JJMSHNB echTPFHT -). OE NPZH ЪБВШЧФШ ФЧПК 3D REOYU! (- yЪ ZHYMSHNB vPMSHYE, YUEN UELU).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UFPYF MY FBL KHRPTOP UFPSFSH ABOUT UCHPEN, LFP TSE PYUEOSH VPMSHOP!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
S OE MAVMA, LPZDB NOE MYTSKHF TsPRH, FEN VPMEE - LPZDB CH OEЈ RMAAF!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NHTSYUYOB, DPVIYCHYYKUS KHUREYB, LFP FPF, LFP ЪBTБВБФШЧЧБЭФ VPMSHYE DEOOZ, YUEN NPTsEF RPFTBFYFSH EZP TsEOB.
TsEOEYOB, DPVYCHYBSUS KHUREYB, LFP FB, LPFPTBS UKHNEMB OBKFY FBLPZP NHTSYUYOH.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YuHCHUFChP UPVUFCHOOOPZP DPUFPYOUFCHB NHTSYuYOSCH RTSNP RTPRPTGYPOBMSHOP TBNETBN LFPZP DPUFPYOUFCHB.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

uELUKHBMSHOSCHN PFLMPOEOYEN NPTsOP UYYFBFSH FPMSHLP RPMOPPE PFUKHFUFCHYE UELUB, CHUY PUFBMSHOPE - DEM CHLHUB.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

zMBCHOPE LBYUEUFCHP REOUB - LFP CHETSMYCHPUFSH. pVSBO CHUFBFSH RTY CHYDE DBNSCH, YUFPV DBNE VSHMP ABOUT YUFP UEUFSH!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OH CH PDOPK OPZE RTBCHDSCH OEF, OP EUFSH NETSDH OINY ЪPMPFBS UETEDYOB.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FPMSHLP PDOP NPTsEF UDEMBFSH NEYUFKH OEDPUFYTSYNPK: LFP UFTBI OEKHDBYUY.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

oYLPZDB OE VPKUS DEMBFSH FP, YUFP FSCH OE KHNEEEYSH. rPNOY: lPCHYUEZ VSHM RPUFTPEO MAVYFEMEN. rTPZHEUYPOMSCH RPUFTTPYMY FYFBOYL.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OYLPZDB OE RTYLBYBSCHBK, EUMY NPTSEYSH RPRTPUIFSH. y OILPZDB OE RTPUY, EUMY NPTSEYSH RTYLBYBFSH.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
X NEOS DPUFBFPYUOP UIMSHOBS CHPMS, YuFPVSH UPITBOIFSH CHUE UCHPY CHTEDOSHE RTYCHSHCHYULY.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ъBIPIUEYSH - OBKDIYSH CHTENS, OE ЪBIPIUEYSH - OBKDIYSH RTYYUYOH.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

h IPDE RTEPVTBBPCHBOYK ЪДТБЧППИТБОВОВСК РИПЗТБННБ "УФПМИУОПЭ ЪДТБЧППИТБОВЭОЕ" DPCHEMB LBYUEUFChP PLBBBOYS NEDYGYOULYI HUMKHZ DP TELPTDOP OYLLPZP HTPCHOS. pVTBEBFSHUS CH RPMYILMYOYILY, RTEDPUFBCHMSAEYE LPLFEKMSH Y OELPNREFEOPHOPUFY, VEIPFCHEFUFCHOOPUFY Y IBNUFCHB, UFBMP CH MHYUYEN UMKHYUBE VEURPMEЪOP, B ЪBUBUFHA - PRBUOP DMS TSIYOY.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CH OBJEK UFTBOE TBUFEF OE LLPOPNYLB, B TsPRB, CH LPFPTPC POB OBIPDFUS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ZMHRPUFSH NBULITHEFUS RPD BOETZYA FEN, YUFP OE YUYUEBEF, B NEOSEF ZhPTNSCH.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CHUE MADI RTPYPYMY PF PVESHSO, OP OE CHUE PF YUEMPCHELPPVTBOSHCHI.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MADI YUBUFP RKhFBAF CHPMOPCHBOOKHA ZMHRPUFSH U VKHTMSAIN KHNPN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OE ZPCHPTYFE, YUFP NOE OHTSOP DEMBFSH, Y S OE VHDH ZPCHPTYFSH, LHDB CHBN OHTSOP YDFY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HUMPTSOSFSH RTPUFP, HRTPEBFSH UMPTsOP.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~