And again we turn to the issue of grievances. What to do if old grievances still do not allow you to live calmly and joyfully in the present, but drag you into alien sorrows? How to let go of a grudge? How to get rid of resentment?

This means that you will stop rejecting obvious things that have already happened anyway. This will give you the opportunity to more effective choice your reaction to the situation. And it will give you the opportunity to see that every event in our life only shapes it as it is: and we can evaluate how “bad” and “good” it is only after living our whole life to the end.

So, sit or stand comfortably, choosing a “decent pose”: your shoulders and spine are straightened, the top of your head is directed upward, your chin is slightly lowered. Imagine that a thread is tied to the top of your head, and someone’s caring hand is pulling it from above. Your spine is stretched, takes a comfortable position, the muscles near the spine are toned, but not tense.

Feel your breath. You don’t need to do anything with it: just start being aware of your every inhalation and exhalation as they are. Now accompany each exhalation with a mental “Yes.” If you practice alone, you can say “Yes” out loud. You can imagine that you have a bag of different “Yeses” and you pull them out and say them for each exhalation. Do this exercise three times a day for 5 minutes. Notice how your attitude towards what is happening in your life changes.

By the way, you can watch the movie “Always Say Yes” and see what changes in our lives when we learn to accept what is already happening in it.

Meditation for forgiveness of grievances “Formula of forgiveness”

When you recognize a person's right to act as they choose and change the rule of justice, you will understand that there were no “bad” and “good” in the situation, that responsibility lay with everyone involved, and that they all deserve forgiveness. Including you. And then this mental formula will come in handy. You can read it every time thoughts about the situation of resentment still arise:

“I (name) forgive myself with love and gratitude and accept myself as I am. I apologize to myself for all negative thoughts, emotions and actions towards myself.

I (name of the offender) forgive (name of the offender) with love and gratitude and accept him for who he is. I apologize to (name of the offender) for all negative thoughts, emotions and actions towards (name of the offender).

I (name) take responsibility for my thoughts, for my emotions, for my actions and their consequences, for my life and for myself.”

“Farewell letter” technique

Forgiveness opens the way to self-love and love for those around you. By accepting ourselves as we are, we allow others to be as they are. When we feel our full value, we accept the full value of other people.

By allowing ourselves freedom of choice, we accept the choice of another person. Having learned to forgive ourselves for our imaginary mistakes, we learn to forgive other people, thereby getting rid of our resentment. As we go through our life lessons, we thank those people who helped us through them. And who will still meet us on the way and will be our teachers.

Remember your “offender”. You have a lot to thank him for. For the lessons of life, for the experiences, for the trials, for the maturity that you gained in these trials, for the courage that grew stronger in them, for the opportunity to understand and know yourself, for the experience of acquiring wisdom and freedom through gratitude and forgiveness.

Tell him how grateful you are. Feel your gratitude. Write a farewell letter - say goodbye to your offense and to your “offender.” Write words of gratitude to your “offender” and read them out loud.

• I'm letting go of (name)
• I thank you for life experience, lessons and conclusions... Thank you... Thank you...
• I wish you wisdom, health, love. I forgive myself for allowing you to do this to me. It was just your choice. It's not your fault or mine
• Record your lessons and conclusions
• I ask you (name) for forgiveness for
• I forgive you (name) for
• I apologize to myself for
• I forgive myself for
• I thank myself for
• I wish myself

“I'm letting you go. You are part of mine life experience, part of my life. Thank you for being in my life. You are my wisdom. You are my maturity"

Practices of freeing the body from feelings of resentment: free the body from accumulated old emotional blocks, allowing yourself and your body to experience the emotions that are stuck in it.

For these techniques, find enough time (15-20 minutes) so that no one will disturb you, turn off your phones, remove pets from your space. If your home is always crowded, these techniques can be done, for example, in the bathroom during hygiene procedures.

Allow yourself to remember the situation that is tormenting you. How do you feel? Where in the body are these feelings lodged? How to let go of a grudge? Give yourself permission to clear your body of trapped feelings.

After using any of these techniques, forgive the offender by reading forgiveness meditation"Formula of Forgiveness" Wish the offender and yourself well.

Most likely, these exercises will need to be done several times so that the resentment stops tormenting you and you get rid of it. You can deal with any negative emotions in the same way.

Technique “Throw out the emotion”

You can scream, stomp your feet, hit a pillow, tear up newspapers: release what has accumulated in you.

Take ballpoint pen. Scribble across the sheet with rage and anger, spilling all your emotions onto the paper. Then tear the leaf, burn it and scatter the ashes to the wind. The wind will carry away your anger and resentment.

“Gone with the Wind” technique

Take balloon and blow into it your grievances and all the accumulated sensations in the body. Let him go, let him fly and take your grievances with you.

Technique “I sculpt from plasticine”

Until the resentment has outlived its usefulness, keep a piece of plasticine on hand (choose the color that matches your resentment). Remember this piece when memories come up. Just express your emotions on it, don’t let them destroy your body.

Technique "Dances with Wolves"

Dance your pain, rage, anger, resentment: close your eyes and allow your body to move the way it wants. Let this spontaneous dance express all your emotions and feelings. Don't think about how to dance: let your body decide what to do, trust it and follow it. Dance until the emotions subside and the dancing stops on its own.

If for some reason you were unable to contact a psychologist online, then leave your message (as soon as the first free consultant appears on the line, you will be contacted immediately at the specified e-mail), or at.

How to get rid of resentment and forgive? In order to do this you need to go through four steps. But before moving through the levels, you need to figure out what resentment itself is.

Resentment consists of different emotions - always pain, anger and any third feeling that is mixed in here depending on the situation: shame, humiliation, guilt, grief, fear, helplessness. If we consider the offense from three sides, then these three components will always be present. Resentment arises when some of the person’s values ​​that were implied are threatened.

Resentment is not such a simple experience:

“I expected my mother to always be there for me and take care of me when I needed it, and she didn’t.” When does the psychologist begin to clarify why and when the mother did not care? It turns out that the mother, a person who is indispensable for the growth and development of the individual, first of all, did not do this in the most difficult periods childhood and adolescence. The lost value here is love in the parent-child relationship. Children sincerely believe that they have the right to love. It is almost an “innate” need. To be loved and accepted as a person, desired and respected - this is a recipe for happiness that you can rely on when things get bad. adult life. It is easy to break away from a warm and loving mother, because the child knows that there is something behind his back. reliable support. But the mother did not support both then in the past and when her daughter was in trouble. Strangers who cared helped.

“I expected my husband to be an understanding and supportive person. After all, everything was fine with us.” But the husband was unable to constantly withstand his wife’s emotional outbursts and left. No one knows where the limit of another person's patience and his willingness to be close ends.

Anger of resentment - how to get rid of resentment and anger

The anger of resentment usually arises from powerlessness and the inability to change anything. Anger is a good start to working on your feelings. It signals that there is a certain need that requires attention and satisfaction, and there is a moment that indicates that something unfair and bad for the person has happened in the situation. Anger gives strength, requires change and solution to this problem. It mobilizes the body’s strength for struggle and decisive action. But it is not always possible for a person to defend himself; fear prevents him from being active and claiming his rights, fear of being humiliated and getting hurt even more, fear of being rejected and receiving confirmation that reality is stronger than desire.

Working with anger and resentment.

1. The main thing is not to focus on the problem. Many people are unable to disconnect from the problem. They do not eat, do not sleep, but only think about what the person said or did and what to say in response. If this happens to you and you are constantly fixated on thoughts about the offender, then you need to learn to put off solving the problem until you learn to relax and regain composure. Sometimes, solving one specific problem may not take one day, but two or three, or even more. Why not sleep now, not go to work, and just waste energy on fantasies in a completely useless way? For example. One woman wanted to understand why her beloved man constantly lies to her? She brought herself to such exhaustion that she began to cry bitterly at work, take sedatives, plunged into depression and still could not cope with the condition for six months. Then she turned to a psychologist.
2. To calm down, meditation, swimming, running - any active or passive methods that are at hand are suitable, as long as your attention can switch to other things and your consciousness is cleared of affect. Desires interfere with switching attention: “And I WANT it to be the way I WANT!” Wanting is not harmful, but not wanting is harmful. If you insist and still nothing works, then in this case it is easier to go and bang your head against the wall and finally accept the obvious fact that it hurts. It’s the same with desires that are difficult to satisfy - you need to accept the fact - it hurts, but nothing can be done and now you won’t be able to satisfy them. It is important to look for other approaches and ways, and in order to solve this problem rationally, it is important to be in a sane state and think rationally.

The pain of resentment

Pain is an open wound that constantly reminds you of itself and is difficult to live with. Any reminder of an offense - a phone call, a phrase on TV, a frame from a movie, a person on the street, no matter who or what, but even a fleeting touch with a word or action evokes a heap of memories. They all pierce into the body like crows. Pain responds with sadness or grief, grief or disappointment - after all, each insult has its own “degree” of temperature and strength of influence, its own taste. It’s as if the resentment is alive, like a person, and has its own character, so it causes pain in its own way.

In order to figure out how to get rid of resentment and forgive, we need to understand how traumatic the situation itself was and how strong the pain is. In order to forgive, you first need to recover yourself, cleanse yourself of destructive thoughts. How quickly he can regain what he has lost will depend on the situation in which a person finds himself and what he had to sacrifice. You may have to come to terms with the loss.

From the story of one woman: “The husband and wife lived for almost twenty years, not to say soul to soul, but well. We got along. We made plans for old age. One day my husband comes home from work and says that he has someone else and he goes to see a snotty girl, the same age as his sons. Shame in front of relatives, friends, colleagues! Abandonment - didn’t love, means tolerated! What a blow to self-esteem! Who needs it in old age? And the soul screams that it loves him! And my heart is so heavy and there is such resentment - I can’t sleep, I can’t eat! How to deal with all this?!” And powerless anger rises from the depths of the soul. Saying, “Come back to me,” is not an option. All the same, a person will do what is convenient for him.

Working with pain should only happen in a conscious state:

1. Sometimes, in order to solve the question of how to get rid of resentment and forgive, it is necessary to heal a mental wound. To do this, it is important to restore the resources spent in the situation.
2. Try to focus on yourself. The first step when working with pain is to restore your sense of self. Some people are so afraid of pain that they are willing to endure debilitating mental stress for hours. They don’t eat, don’t sleep, and lose their ability to work. Tension breaks the psyche like fingers breaking a match. If you choose tension, you may very soon find yourself depressed, which means you will lose self-confidence. Depression is characterized by the fact that you will need it very soon special assistance and medicines. You may lose your complete sense of self and develop many physical ailments. Tension is much more dangerous than mental pain. Feelings don't break us, tension breaks us.
3. So, go first to the body. What's happening to you? Describe your bodily sensations. How do you experience your pain? Do you feel your fingers, your arms, your legs, your body? Take the position that your pain dictates. What kind of pose is this? Stay in it, feel it in detail. What do you want to make of this pose? Try to understand what you become in this state? What kind of care do you want? Describe the care you lack.
4. Now that you understand the main thing, think about how you can provide this care for yourself? The point of this exercise is that you yourself are looking for ways that will help you heal mental pain on your own. It could be tears. If you want to cry, cry. Let the tension come out this way. If you want to eat chocolate, eat it. How else can you support yourself or your loved one?

The emotion that characterizes the situation is the third side of the triangle of resentment.

Depending on the strength of the influence of the situation on the person in which the offense arose, one can speak of slight injury or mental trauma. Situations in terms of the degree of influence on a person will be associated with life values, aspirations and goals, and depend on significant and close people. After all, it is known that nothing can injure as important and the right person or the loss of something valuable. It is not at all a fact that what has been lost can be restored. You cannot return a husband who left the family for another woman. Receive the love of a narcissistic mother, preoccupied only with herself.

A person has different areas of life, with success in which he compares his self-esteem and determines self-worth by relationships with other people. Career, love, family, children, science, finance, leisure, friends. The more important the situation that unfolds against a person, the greater the pain will be. Trauma occurs when a person plunges into complete powerlessness.

What is important to know:

lack of recognition by a group of individuals causes humiliation;

a strong and dangerous opponent is fear;

breaking a relationship with a loved one - abandonment or guilt;

betrayal of friends - loneliness... etc.

All these additional emotions only increase the pain and speak about the meaning of the situation in which it occurred. If recognition from your colleagues was important to you, but you did not receive it, then you will feel unappreciated, humiliated or rejected. These emotions cause pain. If you could not defend yourself, then pain will cause anger. The most important thing is to understand what the expectations were for you and what you need to do to restore your self-esteem.

The main meaning of the offense.

The main meaning of resentment is that when a person is faced with the destruction of his expectations, he experiences the pain of loss, and the inability to get what he wants brings impotent anger. It is impossible to force a mother to love a child or make her a slave to her desires. It is impossible to force another person to truly love if he does not want or cannot.

In psychology, it is customary to say that resentment arises at the moment of frustration of expectations. Why should these expectations arise if there is no reason for hopes to arise? After all, we don’t hope for something that is basically impossible. Hopes appear at the moment when there was either something good in the relationship, or there is a possibility of something like this appearing (There is a mother and there is a child, why is there no love between them? How to fill the space of the relationship?), or you really want to get what you didn’t have. For example, at the beginning of a relationship with a loved one, everything was fine - he cared, showed attention, was gentle, but then one tiny conflict brought the whole relationship to naught. He became withdrawn, stopped communicating and calling, and then comes and says that he did not expect such behavior from the woman, that she behaved like a possessive person, etc. His only desire was to find the one who would never cause any conflicts or scenes. Are such expectations realistic?

Answer two questions: “What did you lose in that moment when you experienced the insult? What was this value?

Violated expectations are the cause of resentment

Expectations are closely related to our ideas (example of consultation with a psychologist) about what we want to get for ourselves. It is quite normal and common to want something for yourself. The only question is, how realistic are these expectations? Reality implies an orientation towards what actually exists right now, without rose-colored glasses, fantasies and any probabilities. However, if you do nothing to achieve your goal, then there will be nowhere to get what you want. Learning to check your expectations means turning them into goals and objectives, testing the environment for the possibility of meeting needs. If an adult daughter knows that her mother can only take care of herself and has done so all her life, then where can there be any hope for changing her behavior? Empty hopes arise when a daughter begins to compare the relationships between parents and children in her environment. Then pain and envy appear, because it could have been like that for her too. However, the reality is that her hopes are not being tested. The mother is still cold and preoccupied with herself. All that remains is to admit that in this case the situation will never change. Recognize and come to terms with it. It is possible to understand, but it is difficult to forgive. Better yet, talk to your mother directly. Sometimes such conversations can open the eyes of both mother and daughter to what is happening, and sometimes lead to a complete break. Working with the anger of resentment and stabilizing the emotional state;

How to forgive an insult?

You can forgive an offense only when you have completed all the previous steps: got rid of the anger of the offense, the pain of the offense, dealt with the obstacle and realized how realistic your expectations are. If you have done all these steps, but relief does not come, then somewhere along the way to solving the problem a mistake was made

Let's talk a little about the very concept of forgiveness. This concept came into use with us along with the Christian religion, in which we need to forgive and let go. The idea itself existed long before Christianity and is close to Buddhism and other more ancient religions. To forgive means to come to terms with what has already happened; at its core, there is a need to let go of the past, to complete it. We can end all relationships with the past if we try to fully work through the problem in the present.

So we went through all four steps together. If you want to sort out your feelings and practice, come to a training webinar where, under the guidance of an experienced psychologist, for a very modest amount, you will be able to do and work through much more material and quickly move towards achieving your goals. There will be even more new and effective exercises! register for the webinar immediately below the article.

Best regards, Maria Romantsova

It's hard to get rid of. It can be so deeply hidden that sometimes, it is not always possible to understand that something is happening. Nothing is more depressing and prevents you from enjoying life than the habit of being offended. And it doesn’t matter at all whether there is a reason for this or not. Any resentment that remains inside and continues to influence decision-making has a destructive effect on a person. Therefore, you need to free yourself from it if you want to improve your life.

How to deal with resentment

The habit of being offended begins in early childhood. It is not an integral part of the human psyche, since it does not perform a protective function and does not provide any benefit. Just on some life stage the child remembers this state, and it becomes familiar to him. As an adult, he gets used to being offended, because it allows him to feel sorry for himself, sympathize and blame others, because as a child he was not able to receive these feelings from his parents.

But the resentment itself always arises only because people are not accustomed to immediately voicing complaints and talking about what is unpleasant to them. Someone is afraid of causing pain and inconvenience to another, preferring to remain silent, someone is afraid of an aggressive response, and this can be justified, you never know how the person will react. And the third subconsciously strives to ensure that he can be offended, because thanks to this he feels sorry for himself and gains the moral right to accuse another of treating himself unfairly. It’s as if he is transferring his resentment towards his parents onto this person and wants to get an admission from them in his face that they were wrong and unfair towards him.

If in the first two cases, you can get rid of resentment by raising your self-esteem, stopping all the time thinking about how your words affected another adult, whether they offended, hurt, or made you laugh. Or, by isolating yourself from communication with a person who does not know how to adequately perceive your words, which is expressed in attacks of aggression and even violence. When this is associated with an ingrained habit from childhood, you need to work on yourself or seek help from a psychologist.

You can’t change the past, you can’t choose your parents, so all that remains is to figure it out with yourself in order to correct the present and get a chance for a better future now.

You can’t be constantly offended, even if you think that everyone around you doesn’t understand you, doesn’t feel sorry for you, and in general bad people, but you are only harming yourself. A feeling of dissatisfaction with what is happening, constant self-pity and cultivating the position of a victim can not only worsen the quality of life, but do harm. Due to the inability to deal with resentment, you can very soon turn into a victim, which can become a signal for people who are distinguished by sadistic inclinations and intuitively read those whom they can offend with impunity. After all, a touchy person does not fight back, he endures, saves, feels sorry for himself and only sometimes splashes out what has accumulated and so on in a circle.

I think this article will help many people sort out their grievances.
“Resentment is something I know firsthand. Resentment is my usual state; I was born with it (and maybe even earlier). After everything that was written, this state passed, disappeared. I am writing while I still remember this state a little, otherwise I will soon forget it completely.

Resentment is:

Always a reaction to a situation, always negative.

Powerlessness, making oneself look weak.

You hide the shortcomings that you don’t want to admit in yourself (and when you notice or point out, here is where the RESULT is ready, as a defensive reaction)

Deceived expectations (and don’t expect, then you won’t be deceived!)

Not a creative position, wait-and-see, passive (the offender will come and ask for forgiveness, or compensate, do something, pamper me, feel guilty next to me... endless options)

You put yourself as the consequence, and the offender as the cause, you give control over yourself, i.e. someone influences your state, mood (you have already lost if you are offended).

Limiting contact (do not communicate with the offender) Any restriction of contacts

This is a LIMITATION, you can lose a lot, miss a lot.

Self-isolation, narrowing, reduction, degradation, non-development (there is no contact, bad mood, lousy thoughts... ad infinitum).

Revenge on oneself, for the mistakes of others (not invented by me, borrowed)

An attempt to influence another with one’s condition, an attempt to put pressure on him (and this is already manipulation of a person, does not pass without a trace)

Demonstration of your dissatisfaction (no matter what). (What signals you emit into the universe, you receive back, there will definitely be more reasons for dissatisfaction). But we are offended! We don’t think about this “trifle” thing.

The state of expecting something and not receiving it. Don't wait! Be free from this. Learn to accept any result (especially a different one! :))

A distorted understanding that someone owes you something, you waited and didn’t receive it (Standby mode is a bad thing, waiting and catching up is nothing worse! :)

You carry a load of negative emotions with you all the time, like a bucket of unfermented poop, and there is no way to get rid of it. You constantly stir with a stick so that, God forbid, it doesn’t settle down and you offer to smell it to others (when you tell them how bitterly they offended you)

Locking yourself in (rarely does anyone really want to free themselves). And this is a ready-made program or psychological block, which joins an already considerable group of similar programs, compacting and making this “cute” lump more dense.

These are tears, wrinkles, drooping corners of the lips, a mask of grief on the face. (Beauties - why do we need such unattractive makeup?:)

This is a pose: I’m offended, that’s what I am!

An unconstructive state, there is no desire to change or improve anything.

Always!!! YES;YES!! ALWAYS! Inappropriate reaction to the situation!

What is resentment?

Resentment is not flight, it is a low, uncreative state. What great or simply good can be created while in it? Same poop.

Resentment makes you

Weakened, powerless (after all, he transferred control over himself and his condition to the offender).
- Deprived, because there is a feeling that you were not given something, deprived, passed over...) Calm down, my friend, soon this will happen in life. It will be given according to your thoughts.
- Flawed, powerless (you sit and delve into your grievance, but what are you really doing? Nothing!) You give signals to the universe, and then you receive back. Are you surprised??

What does resentment do?

Clogs your space (with nasty thoughts, worries, accusations...)
- introduces inharmonious vibrations into your field, which spread further from you like a stench).
- makes you sick (and not just in the head :)) actually, blocks accumulate in the organs (in the liver, or what? - there is an opinion that it even leads to cancer.
- lowers your emotional tone (with all the consequences...)

Where do the legs of resentment grow from?

Probably from childhood, perhaps I once managed to get what I wanted in this way. As a rule, this game does not work with a conscious person. Or copied behavior, perhaps a force-imposed program.

Those who take offense are great cunning people! They know very well who can be offended (the lower terminal, who can be influenced by it, who can respond to it...) and who can’t (the higher terminal, the weather, the leg of a chair, if a cat gets caught... the moon, the sun, the rain, even if it gets wet ).

And so, resentment has appeared, what to do with it?

Realize it. Yes, I was offended, “there is such a letter in this word”
. Look for inadequacy in yourself, ask questions honestly and also answer honestly (after all, no one will hear to yourself, your loved one, you can! :):
What exactly hurt you? (Intonation, words, appearance, posture, actions...)
· Why?
· Did you have a similar feeling before?
· Under what circumstances (people, situations, place...)
· Where in the body is it found?
· What does it look like?
· How long can I be offended?
· How much?
· What will my resentment give me?
· What benefits can it bring?
· How can it harm?
· What do I want to achieve by being offended?
· Why does it benefit me to be offended?
· How often do I get offended?
· For what exactly?
· To whom?
· What do you want to do in response (What feats do you want to do - punch your face, quietly shit, call names, hide, take revenge, forgive, laugh?)
· When do I get offended?
· Who in my family is offended? And from your acquaintances? And from those who I like, like, from whom do I take an example?

WOW HO! How much you can learn about yourself!!! You can come up with your own questions, family, friends, interesting ones.

What can you do about RESULT?

– Play (make it smaller, make it bigger, move it, paint it, shape it... Imagine it yourself!)

– rhyme – resentment-libido, aikido...)

– make friends, take them for a walk, to the cinema, to the store, on a string like a dog :)

- write down all the grievances in life in a beautiful notebook, design a beautiful album.

- write a dedication to her, an ode, declare your love, tell how pleasant and sweet it is to pick her apart, blame someone else, drown in her, etc. Fantasize yourself!

- communicate beautifully: in front of the mirror, pout your lips, lower the corners of your lips, eyes up, down - in short, play, create!

– play with intonation: saying with different accents “I AM OFFENDED”, “I AM OFFENDED”, “I AM OFFENSED”, “I AM OFFENSED”, “THE RESULT IS EATING ME, I gnaw at the insult”:)
– play with the pose. Leg to the side, head lowered, belly stuck out, tail tucked :)

– imagine that you are filming a movie, in front of a camera.

– Come up with 5 (10.15...) ways you can do more: to be offended, to offend someone else, not to be offended, to make peace, etc. There are no limits to imagination. Create it yourself.