Aries zodiac sign cool horoscope. Funny horoscope

Nowadays it is hardly possible to find a person who has not read horoscopes. But in our age of science, not everyone trusts astrology, although in many ways it turns out to be accurate. But the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs may well interest even the most hardened skeptics. You can pass the time by reading humorous horoscopes, have fun in company, and even learn the basics of astrology. A light humorous form, aptly emphasizing the main qualities of each sign, is quite helpful in this interesting matter.

Aries

All the cool characteristics of the zodiac signs agree on one thing: you won’t be able to find a more stubborn debater than this capricious and stubborn lamb.

Aries hates everyday routine, but he will be happy to hang around and give out his innovative ideas incessantly. It's almost impossible to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. But there is one little trick. Say that the other person will do it better. At this point, Aries will smash itself into pieces to prove its leadership and superiority.

The fiery nature of Aries is marked by the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs. In terms of the time that this person is willing to spend on conquering the object of his passion, he has no equal. A ram, he is also a ram in Africa, going straight through the jungle. Aries in this matter can even be called a rocket - he acts instantly, assertively, and it is simply unrealistic to get rid of his advances. “You are attractive, I am damn attractive, so why waste time” - this is his motto in love.

Taurus

Here he is, a worthy competitor to Aries in terms of stubbornness. This will be confirmed to you not only by ordinary horoscopes, but also by any funny characteristics of the zodiac signs. Moreover, to the enviable tenacity comes as a “bonus” fierce conservatism. Try to get a Taurus to throw out some of the outdated household trash and you will understand. Whether it’s a damaged CD, a notebook left over from school, or torn sneakers, it doesn’t matter. For him, all these things are valuable. And Taurus are also terrible bores: listening to their endless teachings, you can not only fall asleep, but also snore.

Representatives of this constellation are closed individuals. It's easier to talk to a wall than to talk to a Taurus. At least you'll hear a hum when you knock on it. In the case of Taurus, the afterlife silence and ringing silence will remain.

Taurus's attitude towards love is the same as towards things - the more money and time he spent pursuing you, the more valuable you will be to him. And don’t expect originality in courtship - Taurus’s conservatism also extends to amorous matters.

Twins

They are easy in deeds and thoughts. The twins are from that breed of people who will advocate “for any kind of kipish, except for a hunger strike.” As noted by the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs, in terms of date of birth and character, these individuals fully correspond to eccentric individuals who have a whole company of winds walking in their heads.

Gemini's love of chatter is truly catastrophic for those who are not Geminis themselves. They can not stop talking for many hours, completely oblivious to the reactions of others. It seems that even at his own wake, Gemini will rise from the coffin and tell the fainting guests an appropriate joke on the topic.

The laziness of these individuals is as legendary as their conversational skills. Due to the reluctance to delve into a topic and study it for a long time, they superficially describe this or that phenomenon, picking up a little of everything. The ideal profession for them is one that will help them earn a million instantly and without unnecessary movements. Oh yes, Geminis need a lot of money, because they spend it as easily and naturally as they chat on the phone.

Cancer

The natures are intelligent, soft and romantic, even if they look like a stale loaf, a brutal lout or an uncouth hillbilly. When watching non-children's films of an erotic nature, they always secretly hope that in the end the main characters will get married.

A funny characterization of the zodiac signs compares Cancers to their namesakes from the animal world. Like them, representatives of this constellation, if they take a careful step forward, then immediately run back. They are indecisive types who, because of their caution, are afraid to even change - you never know what’s on the other person’s mind.

It is undesirable to joke sparklingly in the presence of Cancer, because these people are sentimental and can get upset even because of light humor directed at them or their loved ones. Satire about animals is a strict taboo. They would rather survive an earthquake and tsunami than endure dark humor about unfortunate dogs and cats. You should also joke about love affairs more carefully and preferably in a romantic way - then Cancer will tell the story that amused him to everyone for a long time.

Lion

The one and only He is proud and majestic, even if he finds himself locked in a cage at the zoo. The wild cries of nearby animals do not interest him - he is an important person and demonstrates this in every possible way. If we consider the main characteristics of the zodiac signs, the funny description highlights the royalty of this person, whose arrogance, it seems, no trouble can knock down.

What is good for Leo himself is not very fun and pleasant for his loved ones, because he requires treatment worthy of his status. In his opinion, those around him should be glad that His Highness is nearby. The lion's aura is capable of eclipsing everything around with its radiance, painting even a muddy swamp with all the colors of the rainbow.

However, sometimes the whirlpool of events that Leo generates around himself may end up with something completely different from what he would like. What can you do, such is the strength of the royal will. Do you want to recognize a Leo in your environment? Listen to the manner of conversation: the use of the pronoun “I” by this type will exceed all possible limits. Not such a bad quality in our age for a person who wants to make a dizzying career, would you agree?

Virgo

A true proof that appearances can be deceiving are the representatives of this constellation. It would seem that when we hear the word “virgin,” our imagination pictures us of a sweet, fragile and vulnerable creature who sits at home doing needlework. Astrologers who compose the characteristics of the zodiac signs disagree with this idea. The funny irony of fate is that in reality things are “a little” different. Instead of a sensitive friend, a supporter during difficult times, a comrade-in-arms in all endeavors, Virgo could easily turn out to be... a serial killer. Yes, yes, statistics claim that most maniacs were born under this zodiac sign (what else can you expect from such neat and tidy people?).

Virgo can easily use her ability to adapt to the environment and always be an emphatically polite and correct person to achieve the desired goal. Before you even have time to blink an eye, she’s already sitting right hand from the director. But he will never show sympathy to the object of his love until he is convinced of the reciprocity of feelings and prospects. But then, even having received a refusal, he will wait patiently: suddenly something will change.

Scales

Whatever the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs, over the years and months they all precisely determine one thing: this sign fully lives up to its name. Libra people are constantly in search of mental balance, and therefore do not pay any attention to the material world. Let someone else handle the solution everyday problems, be it cooking, washing or cleaning, but Libra has more sublime things to do.

People of this sign are always thrown in different directions. Having quickly caught fire with a new idea, they will throw all available resources into making it happen. They will involve a lot of people and create an event of national scale, but halfway through they will get tired of it all. They will quietly move away, leaving others to clean up the mess they have made.

Libra's inconstancy also extends to love affairs. Moreover, this state is so familiar to them that after betrayal they will not even be tormented by their conscience. They are not at all attempting to destroy the family, but they are having an affair. This means they are worthy of forgiveness.

Scorpion

These are real poisonous infections. Funny characteristics of the zodiac signs in poetry and prose glorify their ability to break the hearts of everyone who comes within sight. We must thank for this the natural charm of Scorpios and their ability to seduce. This sign has the ability to constantly fall in love with someone, and every time “to the grave.” The object of attention will immediately be confronted with this fact. It’s unlikely that you will be able to get away from Scorpio’s original advances, and you won’t even want to - he is a subtle psychologist and will certainly be able to find a path to the heart of his beloved (or lover).

Scorpios are leaders from birth and are smart beyond their years. If a representative of this sign has chosen a goal for himself, then no matter how difficult it is to achieve, he will go towards it with fundamental stubbornness. And even if you have to destroy everything that gets in your way, this will not stop Scorpio. But he will build a new world after the chaos with the same enthusiasm.

Sagittarius

People of this zodiac sign always achieve their goals, even if this does not happen right away. A funny description of the zodiac signs advises looking at their symbol: everything will immediately become clear. Only if others get what they want thanks to perseverance and hard work, Sagittarius is helped in this by a fair wind, which directs the fired arrows exactly to the bull's eye.

By nature, Sagittarians are true philanthropists. They are always trying to take pity on everyone and feed the suffering (and it doesn’t matter what the recipients themselves think). Their motto is “who else but me?” Employers take advantage of this. Well, Sagittarius won’t mind if you load him with a lot of work. You just need to hint that it is very important for the company that everything gets done. And how exactly - Sagittarius himself will be able to find a way.

But you shouldn’t openly offend Sagittarius. No, they are not vindictive at all, just evil, and they have an excellent memory. They will remind you of all the misunderstandings starting with kindergarten. And, in general, they will easily speak the truth to your face, at the risk of getting punched in your own face.

Capricorn

This is a pendulum man who always balances between two extremes, as stated by the funny characteristics of the zodiac signs. Children of this sign are characterized by adult seriousness and thoroughness. Capricorn does not part with these qualities even in old age. He throws himself headlong into work, as if into a pool, and it will be simply unrealistic to get him out. He will spend all his mental and physical strength even on a task that is obviously impossible. However, if Capricorn is impatient to go on a spree, then he will devote himself completely to this activity, having uncontrollable fun until complete degradation. It is possible to save him from a sad fate only if he manages to divert attention to something more interesting.

Capricorns are incorrigible pessimists. If he is convinced that everyone around him is a creeping bastard who has come to success over his head or through his bed, then even if he has a stake on his head, he won’t be convinced anyway.

Aquarius

Verbose spills out of Aquarius like water from a tap. If anyone is able to withstand this flow for a long time and even be an interesting conversationalist, it’s Gemini. Perhaps we can still argue who will talk to whom in the end.

Love for Aquarius is, first of all, romance: walks under the moon, seeing the dawn. Get ready to conquer ancient ruins shrouded in secrets with him - this is an indispensable attribute of courtship for him. According to the cool characteristics of the zodiac signs, such a person has no equal in poetry and serenades. Aquarius women are accustomed to following the dictates of their hearts. If it tells you that you should be together, wait for her on the doorstep with your suitcases.

What do Aquarians value most? Of course, They are ready to build a three-meter wall around themselves, as long as no one touches them, if they want to be alone. And no siege will help - Aquarius has made the necessary supply of cookies and will live for a long time and not bother in his cozy little world.

Fish

If anyone is capable of creating an alternative fictional reality out of nothing for themselves and those around them, it is Pisces. Moreover, for them the fantasy world will be as real as our usual one. They can easily convince anyone of this. Baron Munchausen, for example, according to the characteristics of the zodiac signs, is an inexperienced and timid fry, a faded egg.

Ask this person for anything - to water flowers in your absence, to write a diploma for you - he will certainly hurt himself, but will fulfill the request. He's such an altruist, there's nothing you can do about it. In love, Pisces are shy and cautious; they will beat around the bush for a long time before taking a step forward. “Vanilla” is about them: sad sighs, touching gifts, awkwardness and tears at night, and, most importantly, all thoughts are only about him (or about her). So if you are ready to take the Pisces who is in love with you and lead her by the elbow in the right direction (and then kick her forward for the rest of her life), go for it.

Cool horoscopes based on zodiac signs seem funny only at first glance. In fact, they are remembered much more clearly - after all, the joke itself “sinks” into memory. You can amuse your friends with a witty response in an unexpected situation. Or you can take a closer look at yourself and your loved ones - to once again make sure that astrology is truly a truthful and accurate science.

And with the help of cool horoscopes it will be easy for you to study astrology and delve into its basics. And you don’t need to memorize anything or get it into your head on purpose. Just read comic horoscopes and compare them with the behavior of your friends. Very soon everything will fall into place in your head, and you will always know what to expect from others and what they expect from you. By the way, this is called “insight.” And all thanks to the fact that you just love reading funny horoscopes!

Start with simple example. Find out which horoscopes do they prefer? different signs Zodiac- and check yourself and your friends.

Aries most often looking for obscene horoscope. So what? What else to have fun with friends over a bottle of beer. It especially bothers him when he is not reviled too much, but everyone else is reviled in full.

Taurus treats horoscopes without much trust and never allows them to influence his life. But financial and money horoscope sometimes he still reads. But only to once again be convinced that he was right.

Twins absorb all horoscopes that meet in their stormy life path. They forget them in exactly a minute - for this reason they don’t believe in them.

Cancers, having read something offensive or unpleasant to themselves, they may become offended by all horoscopes in general. They prefer neutral horoscopes: floral, fashion, horoscopes of pets and peoples of the world.

Lion accepts only those horoscopes that glorify him. If you read aloud to him, just skip the “inconvenient” parts, and his favorable attitude is guaranteed.

Virgo Actually, she doesn’t believe in horoscopes, but she will read the medical horoscope very carefully. If the recommendations are reasonable, then Virgo will put them into practice, and if they seem nonsense to her, then she will discard them with indignation.

Scales love love and romantic horoscopes. But most of all they like horoscopes of compatibility between zodiac signs. After reading them, they are no longer able to choose a partner for themselves - it becomes impossible to make a decision due to a large number of factors.

Scorpios First of all, they look at sexual and erotic horoscopes. They read them quite carefully, memorizing everything well. They will then definitely try the information received on their partners.

Sagittarius They love funny horoscopes, with good humor or unusual comparisons. However, horoscopes do not stay in their heads for long. And they often understand them in their own way - to their advantage.

Capricorn reads horoscopes in order to criticize them. He will look for all the inconsistencies and enjoy it. In the end, he will prove to himself and everyone that all this is complete nonsense, and all he needs to do is be guided by common sense.

Aquarius reads horoscopes from time to time and selectively remembers them. He especially appreciates humorous horoscopes with caustic jokes. He then likes to quote them at the most inappropriate—from your point of view—moments.

Fish They believe in everything - in omens, in signs and, of course, in horoscopes. They stick to what they write so fanatically that they implement everything they read. Naturally, for them the horoscopes are one hundred percent correct.

copying is prohibited

Comic horoscopes lift your spirits, but they also contain some truth. Find out what life principles are characteristic of your Zodiac Sign. Among the funny offers you can find useful information and change for the better.

Horoscopes, no matter how humorous they are, are based on the observations of astrologers. It is known that planets and constellations influence the character and behavior of people, which means that the jokes are not so far from the truth. The site team compiled the site for you funny horoscope, in which the characteristics of each Zodiac Sign fit into short and succinct expressions. We hope that they will help you not only lift your spirits, but also get rid of your weaknesses.

Aries

Aries can characterize themselves. Capacious phrases fully reflect their contradictory and purposeful essence.

There's no use arguing with me. You can't convince me.
I will do it first, and then I will think.
I don’t slow down where everyone else is slowing down.
I will remain young forever, because becoming an adult is boring.
You can do the same thing as me. You won't be able to do better anyway.
Please speak quickly. I don't have the patience to listen to you.
My stubbornness is not a vice, it was simply born before me.
It is much easier to control any situation than emotions.
I won’t hit you first, but you better not touch me.
It’s good to be honest - unnecessary people themselves stop communicating with me.

Taurus

If Taurus could describe themselves in a humorous way, they could use the following phrases.

I never waste money on buying things, but I always spend money on entertainment.
I don’t need someone else’s, and don’t you dare touch what’s mine.
It's better to be bad friends than to have good quarrels.
It is better to stay in the familiar comfort of four walls than to admire the colors of nature.
Food is a wonderful invention of mankind.
It's better to go second to save energy.
Taste delicious dishes and wine is my passion.
Be affectionate and then you can achieve more than others.
There is no need to pull someone who is well settled.
Disposable things were invented for disposable people.

Twins

Ten succinct phrases that reveal their character and behavior will suit restless Geminis.

Today I am again different from who I was yesterday.
It is useful to be in control of the situation - you get more information.
One mind is good, but two are better. Especially if both belong to you.
Today I'm here, tomorrow I'm there.
Ideas should not gather dust on shelves with old books.
If you didn’t make it, it means you’re late. We need to speed up.
You need to move quickly through life so as not to get bogged down in “textures.”
I rarely answer for my words, but with humor.
I don’t have enough time for quality, so I take quantity.
There should be more means of communication.

Cancer

Cancers will be able to recognize themselves and their behavior by the following interesting phrases, which in a humorous manner reflect their style of behavior.

Life is difficult only where it is impossible to hide in a secluded place.
Behind the stone walls of my fortress, I am invulnerable to the cruel world.
Supplies need to be replenished so that they never run out.
Being a nanny is great. And it doesn’t matter how old your ward is.
If you know how to wait, happiness will eventually find you on its own.
You need to meet friends at home, and not walk around cafes.
An abundance of food in the refrigerator is real happiness.
Money should be spent only on quality things.
My past is always with me. And it doesn’t bother me at all.
Ten years is not a long time for good quality clothes.

Lion

Proud Leos do not always agree with the characteristics that people around them give them. However, in every joke there is some truth that is worth listening to.

It is much more pleasant to help people than to find yourself in the role of someone asking for help.
Follow me, I know the right path.
Good manners are the key to personal success.
The sun shines exclusively for Leo.
It's nice to earn good money, but it's much nicer to spend it.
A dictator sometimes needs to be hidden behind a mask of prudence and benevolence.
I don’t understand how you can not admire me.
I need more gold, more pathos and more admiring glances.
Even if the item is not needed, I must have it. Especially if it is expensive and looks gorgeous.
The sign on my office door must be immaculate.

Virgo

Virgos sometimes need to look at themselves from the outside in order to change their attitude towards life. Ten humorous phrases will help you with this.

If you work hard, good things will definitely come of it.
All things must be in their place.
Modesty adorns any Virgo.
Logic should be in everything, even in love.
Everything should look perfect. No crookedly hanging pictures.
You need to live not only for yourself, but also to help others.
Large scales are scary - it’s difficult to bring order to them.
Beauty will save the world, especially if you create it with your own hands
There is no need to throw away old things. They can come in handy at the most unexpected moment.
Less difficulties, more routine.

Scales

For Libra, the following statements may be familiar. Perhaps they will help you doubt less and change your behavior for the better.

Any task must be done with the appropriate mood.
You can win by agreeing.
Making a choice is one of the most difficult and tiring tasks.
Politeness can move mountains.
Beauty should be in everything: in the image, in the home, and in the workplace.
Information is needed like air.
Laziness is the engine of progress.
One of the stupidest things to do is argue. It takes up too much energy.
Doubts sometimes help to avoid troubles.
Not all i's need to be dotted.

Scorpion

If Scorpios could talk about themselves in succinct short phrases, then the following expressions would suit them.

You need a good reason to smile.
It’s a pity that sometimes there is no one to “sting”.
This world is short of knights.
I am like a cactus: flowers open only for a select few.
Revenge should be served cold, but only to those who truly deserve it.
Even if there is a hurricane inside you, remain calm on the outside.
The world needs stations to refuel people with emotions.
You need to go through a break, even through a windfall.
People are like books: you just have to open them.
You need to constantly take risks, otherwise there will be nothing to remember in old age.

Sagittarius

Sagittarians could make a presentation of themselves and their character in the following humorous expressions.

Those who have it feel remorse. Mine doesn't bite.
There’s no point in panicking ahead of time, I’ll figure it out when the pressure comes.
The spirit of competition allows you to be better in everything.
Do you want to cheer yourself up? Ask me how.
I forgive everyone I owe.
Argument is another opportunity to show off your intellect.
I am not obligatory, but I am immensely charming.
I'm throwing it around for free and professionally.
I know how to become a philosopher in five minutes.
Commitments save more than one life.

Capricorn

For Capricorns, whom people may not understand, the site’s experts have selected the following funny sayings. We hope that they will help lift your spirits and smile more often.

Even one in the field can be a warrior.
The laws of meanness work for me.
I'm like cognac: I only get better with age.
It's good to talk about beautiful places and countries while sitting at home.
Financial Advisor. Long, expensive, with a guarantee.
You can allow yourself to drop from the top if you have been climbing it all your life.
Life is a train that stops at its stations exactly according to the schedule.
If necessary, I can become the head of the Universe
There is no place for sprints in my life. I am a true marathon runner.
You can gore anyone with stubbornness.

Aquarius

Ten sentences characterizing Gemini may seem naive, but for many representatives of this Sign they can be useful.

There is no greater boredom than being like others.
I come up with ideals myself.
Living with prejudices is for fools.
Everything will be great in the future.
Be an angel? Why not?
Sometimes a good intention is enough. It is not necessary to do this.
Family is great, but friends are more important.
There are no lonely thoughts in my head. They make friends and create chaos.
I can be in several places at once because good man there must be a lot.
Life should have stops, not quiet havens.

Fish

Pisces, with their world of illusions and reluctance to explain their behavior, can use the following pithy phrases.

My profession is to sympathize professionally.
There is no need to put off until tomorrow what can be done the day after tomorrow.
I can promise. I love it, I can do it, I practice it. But I won’t rush to do it.
I understand everyone, but not myself.
Don't put pressure on me, otherwise I will disappear.
Yes, I am busy, but few can understand.
We need more handkerchiefs and vest people.
Food needs to be chewed, work needs to be done.
Maintaining order in the house - who needs it?
The world of illusions and fantasies is beautiful. There is no need to leave him for a long time.

A comic horoscope can reflect your internal state. In any case, ignore even funny sayings there is no point in talking about your Sign. Be careful in your actions and desires so that there is no room for disappointment in your life. Attract good luck into your life and be happy. We wish you all the best, and don't forget to press the buttons and

Dear ladies, as well as gentlemen, I suggest you have fun and read a horoscope, but an unusual one. This is black humor and people without a sense of this very humor are kindly asked not to read, otherwise they may feel offended for themselves.

There is not a single good characteristic for any sign in this horoscope.

But you can have a good laugh while reading the horoscope of your friends.

So shall we begin?

We read about ourselves and say it’s not true, we read about others and say it’s true!

Horoscope for Aries

Aggressor - primitive, cruel and warlike. Inhibited to such an extent that he has difficulty learning basic things. I would gladly turn the tables on him at any opportunity, but luckily he doesn’t know how to do it.

Constant in his passion to test the strength of the next gate. The simplicity of his soul smacks of vulgarity, which intensifies when drinking his favorite drink - beer.

When drunk, he can cause scandals and become rowdy. As a child, he usually dreams of making a career as an astronaut or military man, and therefore constantly starts fights. As he grows up, he turns into a bore and loves to talk about himself, completely oblivious to those around him.

In a family, Aries must be protected from money, otherwise he will quickly waste it without even noticing where he spent it.

Taurus Horoscope

Greedy, boring suck-up and informer. He never argues with his superiors, strictly fulfills all his whims, without taking them seriously.

Hidden, in public an altruist (the woman is a martyr), but in the soul she is the center of the universe, despising everyone.

Money is his main idol, he adores it and constantly hides it in his stocking. Will take off his last shirt, but not himself

Behind external politeness and affection hides an egoist with sadistic inclinations, which manifest themselves in terrorism of their own family, from childhood to old age.

Taurus doesn't trust anyone, not even himself. Usurps all the privileges he can get his hands on.

Horoscope for Gemini

More than anything else, he loves to chat, pouring from empty to empty.

He reads superficially, which, however, does not prevent him from having his own opinion about everything, which, however, can easily change to the completely opposite several times a week.

With age, the twin falls into contemplation and finds a calling in acting or writing.

Does not tolerate mental or physical stress.

He loves guests, but treats them more often with his chatter, or, at best, with tea and cakes.

Horoscope for Cancer

A loser from birth. Self-contemplative conservative and opportunist. He does not change his own beliefs, but is always ready to argue in order to ridicule his opponent, while growing in his own bulging eyes.

Out of fear, it can attack first, but usually escapes in its hole at the first sign of approaching danger. Cancer adores his mink more than anything in the world and cherishes and grooms her with pleasure.

Finds pleasure in denigrating others, pretending to be a strong and confident master of the situation. At heart he is cowardly to the point of colic, loves solitude and peace.

Horoscope for Leo

A drunkard and extortionist since childhood. At an early age, he extorts money from his parents, then from friends and acquaintances.

Otherwise extremely lazy. His inflated pride and self-esteem can poison the life of anyone, and gluttony can pick out any pocket. At the same time, a lion rarely gets fat.

The whole world must revolve around him and for this he strives to be the first, otherwise he withers and is significantly reduced in size.

An impenetrable delusion of grandeur, self-worth and infallibility.

Virgo

In charm, an elephant's charm has the mind of a rabbit. Petty and stingy, boring and grumpy.

He drives those around him to white heat with his pedantry and nagging, both at home and at work.

She has no imagination, she always draws up the most detailed, most boring guide to action for herself and her loved ones, despite their objections.

Virgo is always guided by common sense and calculation, and everything she does is thorough, solid and boring.

In addition, the maiden is a master of intrigue; you will not envy her enemies - she will not calm down until she settles the score down to the tenth generation.

Scales

Potential losers. Armless, blind and deaf.

They have no sense of humor, no self-esteem, and no money. They are unlucky in love, with work and with household chores.

They are unable to surprise, shine, make money or simply make a decision. When such a need arises, they shake and faint, until people close to them make this decision for them.

They often pose as art connoisseurs, although Libras themselves do not understand anything. They love to write tearful memoirs.

Scorpion

Schemer, deceiver and traitor. Dangerous, even from a distance.

Can be intriguing for pure pleasure. To achieve his goals, he does not hesitate to use any means.

A sadist and a masochist rolled into one. Spends a lot of effort and money to create about himself good opinion and then treacherously strike from the rear.

He makes his career by going over his head. If you hear from a Scorpio that he values your friendship, it means that he just recently reported you to his superiors.

He loves vulgar jokes and pornographic films. He loves to spread rumors about his sexual exploits, cruelly mocking those who love him.

Sagittarius

Usually he looks like a joyful idiot and most often he is. His cretinous optimism and assertiveness cannot be cooled even by a brick that accidentally fell on his head.

After talking with him for a few minutes, there is a desire to quietly finish him off.

WITH early childhood Sagittarius loves to impose himself on everyone with his company and his stupid ideas.

A militant optimist who presents a lot of trouble in family life. He likes to lie and make things up, as he explains - with the best intentions.

Loves noisy gatherings and places where you can have a drink and snack for free.

Capricorn

Cruel, cold and soulless, like a block of ice. A policeman at home, a tyrant at work.

He sees his meaning in life in the suppression and tyranny of others, clings to trifles, and is completely devoid of a sense of humor.

Terrorizes his wife (husband) and beats his children. Gives in only to physical or mental strength.

Primitive, devoid of imagination, but vengeful and vindictive: he forgives nothing to anyone.

A rare cocktail of megalomania, inferiority complex and minimal mental and psychic abilities. That's why Capricorn usually gets involved in bosses.

IN ONE DUTCH WOMEN'S MAGAZINE I STANDED UPON THIS FUNNY HOROSCOPE.

I WANTED TO INTRODUCE YOU WITH THESE IDEAS, BUT IN THE PROCESS OF READING I WAS SURPRISED MYSELF... BUT SO MUCH THINGS COINCIDE...?!

TAKE A LOOK FOR YOURSELF, MAYBE THIS SHOULD BE AMAZING TO YOU?

Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac, the most lively and energetic. Astrology textbooks describe Aries as an engaging, energetic personality, endowed with the charisma of a born leader and revolutionary. He rapidly rushes through life, radiating cheerfulness and optimism.

The truth is that he is an overbearing, self-centered bastard, only interested in himself and with an inflated ego.

In Aries, Mars gives a person courage, determination, energy, passion and ambition, as well as hot temper, selfishness and impulsiveness. A typical Aries flies through life at full steam, challenging anyone who stands in their way. Endowed with fearlessness by nature, he calmly rushes into battle, even with an obviously strong opponent. If you are unlucky and fall under his feet, you will fully experience for yourself what an irritated Aries is: angry, red, he screams and can even stomp his feet, or even throw his fists. Sometimes, suddenly, out of the blue, he can show generosity and, for example, leave his partner with empty handed. Most of all he is afraid of being considered ignoble!

He is hurt by the condescending attitude, he will not forgive this and, on occasion, can take painful revenge. Although by nature he is not so vindictive.

Aries does not reason in detail, he simply reacts to stimuli, he first acts and then thinks, often in the heat of the moment destroying his own happiness, because he has no time to collect facts and think...

Without an iota of humility, he never admits his mistakes! It is impossible to wait for words of apology from him.

You start arguing with him and a barrage of screams and insults will fall on you; if you prove that you are right, he will be offended like a child and go away to sulk in a corner. Aries is characterized by a complete lack of taste in clothes, they simply have no time to do it, they are more attracted to moving objects... They especially adore cars.

What is characteristic is that they are selfless in love...

TAURUS. (April 20-May 20)

Taurus is the second sign of the Zodiac. Traditional astrology kindly describes Taurus as reliable, picky eater, thrifty homebody, lover of good food and magic in the kitchen. A born boss and a person capable of ruling the World.

But in real life you will have to deal with a stubborn, edifying, boring curmudgeon with weight problems.

When you hear the word Taurus or bull, people’s imaginations conjure up an image of a large animal peacefully chewing grass, blinking its large shiny eyes with satisfaction. He is even ready to let you scratch him behind the ears... But if you want to pick a couple of leaves in his field, you will get such a storm!

Whichever Taurus you interact with, be it a man or a woman, you will quickly recognize his character. His rage is capable of awakening such a beast in him in an instant that you will instantly regret that bullfighting was abolished in your country!

His eyes fill with anger, he even darkens his face, everyone’s lower jaw protrudes forward at least a little, they subconsciously bow their heads and look at you from under their brows, just like a bull before an attack...

Taurus is ruled by the planet Venus, which gives it insatiability.

Simple approval is never enough for Taurus, property is always small, food is not enough, rest and sex are always not to the fullest... They are emotional, but not intellectual, and from childhood they take advantage of hard work and diligence. They don’t know how to grasp a thought on the fly, but if they learn something, it’s for life. Because of this, many of them do not complete their education, or give it up halfway... the craving for pleasure is too great. But if they have already learned, then rest assured, you won’t find a better careerist... They love to sit at all kinds of meetings, sessions, join parties, unions and very quickly become leaders in them... Although everyone will whisper behind his back that he is a scoundrel, a dictator, usurper…

They are not able to listen to the opinion of another person, so neither logic nor reasonable arguments work on them. If you start arguing with him, you will feel like you are hitting your forehead against the wall, and if it turns out that you are right, he will look at you as if you were an alien. His great sense of style and beauty attracts people to him, but they are often lonely due to their difficult nature and are prone to sexual perversions, such as homosexuality. Both men and women often suffer from an inferiority complex due to weight and therefore sometimes allow themselves harsh behavior, but they just want to eat.

Many Taurus can never give up bad habits, smoking, drugs, alcohol, they like to be late... They are usually very good parents, but they like to pamper their children.

Gemini is the third sign of the Zodiac. Astrologers unanimously convince us that Geminis are energetic, versatile people, endowed with a lot of talents, charming intellectuals, capable of solving several problems at the same time and very fond of communication.

In fact, being close to Gemini is like getting a job in a madhouse; surprises and various dirty tricks will constantly await you.

They are not smart, but cunning, cunning and resourceful, rather talkers than philosophers. They think quickly and strangely, the main goal in their life is to become famous and, in turn, meet all the celebrities around them.

Their element is meetings, cocktails, presentations, where famous audiences gather and talk about high things... Although their knowledge of everything is superficial, they pretend that they understand everything and in every field of art they are the most subtle connoisseurs and specialists. Their patron is Mercury, the fast god who has wings on his sandals! He transports them from one place to another with lightning speed, and the element air is impermanence itself.

It is impossible to convince a Gemini; they are very stubborn, but they pass off their stubbornness as breadth of mind and independence. They do not delve into life, but seem to glide along the surface. A point of view other than their own is always wrong in their eyes, but they know for sure that they are right!

In marriage, this is the most unfaithful and fickle partner, they are attracted to new people by their freshness and incomprehensibility, they are instantly enchanted, they suffer greatly from unrequited love, but can be consoled in a quarter of an hour by seeing something new on the horizon. They can meticulously ask a person about something, without even delving into the essence of his answers and explanations. They have an excellent sense of taste and style, they know how to dress beautifully and wear jewelry, but they always think that the neighbor on the landing looks better and begin to copy her, because they have two faces, they are constantly in change...

Envy, passion for gossip and intrigue, constant changes in mood and point of view... makes Gemini unreliable partners, they always have enemies, they can especially cause a lot of suffering to Capricorns, Virgos, Taurus and Scorpios... But people fall in love with them and remain faithful to them all their lives , people much more worthy than them... it’s just that these victims fell into the net of their charm. Geminis are always thin, food does not give them the same satisfaction as, for example, good music, a declaration of love, poetry, or a walk in the forest.

CANCER. (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, the fourth sign of the Zodiac, lives in the House of domestic, private life. Compliant astrology describes Cancer as a person who loves solitude, is caring, and is completely devoted to family and friends.

The truth is that Cancers are slippery creatures, prone to manipulating people and, in turn, demanding absolute devotion from loved ones.

All Water signs are sensitive and emotional, but Cancer is simply the champion of emotional instability. Cancer is ruled by the Moon, and it changes daily; the mood of Cancer is the ebb and flow of the tides, only accelerated many times over. Polite Cancer can easily be rude, insult, and is very often ready to cheat, but you are unlikely to know about it, he is secretive and deceitful.

Cancer is capable of joking, laughing and getting angry, or being offended and crying at the same time. He loves to retire, attack and immediately complain and whine...

He has several points of view on the same question and all of them, by the way, are correct; he is not at all stubborn, but he is not going to argue with you, he will simply remain silent and do it his own way.

Sharp and unexpected movements frighten him, they even shudder, they love smoothness and softness, insects and reptiles frighten him.

Cancers don't reason, they get offended...

Weepy.

Forcing Cancer to look at himself objectively is an unrealistic task. In a dispute, Cancer will be the first to be silent, but this does not mean that he has lost, do not extend your hand to him, he can chop it off with his claw. Cancer loves old things, antiques, all Cancers are very religious, and for real. Great intuition makes them a bit of a seer in the eyes of other people, wonderful parents, but dubious partners... Especially Cancer men love to live in two families and have illegitimate children, and those around them often find out about this only after their death. Cancer women are rarely noticeable
s in society, usually these are quiet mothers of families or mediocre officials, but this does not mean anything, if Cancer gets a job somewhere, he will always find a loophole to illegally increase his salary. They love to work where there is a smell of money.

Leo is the fifth sign of the Zodiac. He lives in the house of creativity and love. Any book on astrology will tell you that Leos are proud, confident, fun-loving people, loyal, generous, elegant. Most likely, these books were written by the Leo astrologer.

In fact, Leos always crave to be in the center of attention, power fanatics of their own “I”, whose immaturity and selfishness are exceeded only by their desire to control others.

Leo is ruled by the Sun, and just as it is the center of our System, Leo (or Lioness) considers itself the center around which everything should revolve. Of course, they crave obvious worship, but sometimes it is enough for them that you personally consider it the main thing in everything.

Leos are either loud, unceremonious and cheeky, or crafty quiet ones with a sense of self-esteem.

Sometimes he can just pretend to be a humble quiet person for a while, but don’t be deceived, there are no shy and shy Leos in nature. Their constant need for attention often makes them moody, and when they lose touch with their Self, they become selfish tyrants, especially as they age, believing that their whole life is a vale of misery. In fact, they roar and cause suffering to others without the slightest embarrassment.

Instead of building relationships with people, they torment them with jealousy and reproaches, try to argue with them and you will hear just a roar instead of arguments.

Win an argument with him, he will fall silent, stare at you and go into the shadows, pondering the next attack.

Leos make the most devoted mama's boys. They easily part with their first spouse, although later they often regret it for the rest of their lives.

Lionesses make fanatical mothers who take great pleasure in poisoning the lives of their daughters-in-law.

Virgo is the sixth sign of the Zodiac and lives in the House of Services and Health. Astrologers tactfully portray Virgo as a modest, practical, sweet person, logical, discerning and meticulous.

However, if you take a closer look, you will find a restless, fussy, petty critic and a hypocrite, prone to endless analysis and subjective assessments.

Virgo is ruled by Mercury, the same planet that rules restless Gemini. However, in Virgo, restless Mercury is trapped in the element of Earth, where he becomes critical and irritable.

Virgos might dream of being as spontaneous as Geminis, but they stand too firmly on the ground.

Virgos get worried about everything.

They heal the sick, save sinners, correct speech errors and dispense unsolicited advice with the gravity of an elementary school teacher.

Virgos are very cautious and absolutely devoid of adventurism. They are so busy improving those around them that they completely ignore their character, which cannot be called pleasant.

Of all the signs, Virgos are the least able to admit their mistakes. Born under the motto, THERE IS NO PERFECTION IN THE WORLD!, they cannot relax and enjoy life.

All Virgo’s fantasies and dreams have an absolutely practical purpose, Virgo does nothing without benefit for herself, and if she gave you something, it means that the other day she just got a larger piece.

Virgo can get a job in any organization, even Horns and Hooves, and calmly have their own piece of bread with butter and caviar there. Most of all they fear for their health, therefore, no matter what, Virgo will not eat, if necessary, they will calmly lose weight or quit smoking, they do not tell anyone, even themselves, the whole truth.

Always on the sidelines, they know how to pull chestnuts out of the fire with someone else’s hands. Virgo, possessing the gift of persuasion, can convince anyone that a new enterprise is simply necessary; she has long ago calculated the dividends for herself.

They are constant in marriage, because disorder in everything has a depressing effect on Virgo.

Virgo is obsessed with neatness, they are easy to recognize by appearance, always neatly dressed and combed. Men often get married very late or even remain single, because Virgo, firstly, is never bored alone, and secondly, Virgo men enjoy doing housework.

This sign, both in the Zodiac and in life, embodies the variability of life and the constancy of change.

Astrologers endow him with the highest harmony, they claim that Libra is always impartial, diplomatic and always strives for peace, that they spend their entire lives looking for truth, beauty and the perfect life partner.

In fact, behind their somewhat cloying smiles, hide those who like to pamper themselves, their Beloved, people who indulge only their own whims in everything, their ears are tuned only to the ringing of coins, and there is no more individuality and greatness in them than in a green leaf.

Libra is ruled by Venus, but it is in Libra that it gives a person an endless thirst for improvement. They definitely need to be the first, they are never satisfied, neither with themselves nor with their partner.

As one of the domineering cardinal signs, Libra views dissent as a personal insult.

They get angry even if you just change the TV to another channel.

According to Libra, the harmony of the world lies in the fact that everyone agrees with them. Libras are very subjective and not judgmental. They recognize one opinion - their own.

If you start arguing with them, they will explode with anger, but they can easily ask you for forgiveness because they are afraid of power.

All Libras necessarily have at least some kind of inferiority complex. For women it’s either weight, or height, or not-too-smooth skin; for men it’s even worse; even a beautiful wife won’t help him stop being tormented by the fact that someone else might be better...

Libras get married only by calculation; if the calculation turns out to be wrong, they often do not muster the courage to get a divorce and harass their partner with nagging, sometimes destroying him as a person.

At heart they are cowards and shouting is enough for them, but they are offended for life... They are geniuses in love and very often have affairs with married people, because to take someone away from them, what could be more pleasant? You don’t have to ask them for a loan... they won’t give it. When it comes to raising children, they are complete laymen, either pampering them or demanding impossible obedience; as a rule, their children grow up indecisive and always look back at their parents, although Libras themselves are always naughty and rough-necked in childhood. But they are capable of generous and broad gestures, this charms people; they often say about Libra: A wonderful person!

SCORPION(October 23-November 21)

Scorpio, the eighth sign of the Zodiac, resides in the House of Death, Sex and Other People's Possessions.

Conventional astrology describes Scorpio as a passionate creature, full of secrets, sensual, endowed with the gift of rebirth and rising from the ashes, like the Phoenix.

But a comparison with Dracula rising from the grave is more suitable for him.

These are people possessed by obsessive ideas, very secretive subjects prone to assault, who feed their pride by humiliating others.

Scorpio is ruled by two planets. From Mars, the god of war, conflict and aggression, he is endowed with suspicion, and his outward friendliness is separated from boiling poisonous emotions, only thin layer skin.

The second planet Pluto, the god of extremes, instills in him an unsurpassed instinct for survival in any situation. Neither an aspen stake, nor holy water - nothing can harm Scorpio; only he himself can hit him. Which is what Scorpio usually does at the end of life.

Scorpio rarely lives out his life happily; usually his unbridled imagination and instinct of ownership push him to make an erroneous fateful decision.

But mind you, not anyone, but only himself, is doing a dirty trick on himself.

His favorite game in life is Bonfire of the Inquisition. If you die, then you are innocent, if you remain alive, then you are guilty.

They deliberately cause harm to loved ones; as a rule, their marriages do not last long, especially the first ones, not very There are not many people who can withstand their character. After all, everyone in this world, in his opinion, is not worthy of him, he is the best in everything, the richest, the most successful, they are by nature endowed with longevity, good health and exorbitant narcissism.

Their intuition is so developed that they see people through. Very religious. Perhaps the most religious of all signs.

If you leave him with a snort, he will never forgive you. Scorpios are very vindictive, they do not forget anything and never forgive.

They love to be late everywhere and hate it when others are late to them. As a rule, they are very hot-tempered and in the heat of the moment they speak without thinking, they are often pugnacious and never give in. Sometimes they are capable of a broad gesture, but here
they will demand something in return.

Their motto: All or nothing!

If you get a divorce, then they try in every way to annoy your ex and pay alimony with great reluctance.

Greedy beef and all the money in the world are never enough for them.

Sagittarius is the ninth sign of the Zodiac and resides in the House of philosophy, adventure and long-distance travel.

Traditionally, representatives of this sign are described as sociable, cheerful, honest people with a philosophical view of life and events in the world, and passionate travelers.

However, the harsh truth is that this is a tactless subject, stomping through life with one foot stuck in a bucket, a loudmouth and a bully, always speaking out of place.

Sagittarius is ruled by the cheerful joker Jupiter, and he endows his charges with a restless character and extravagance.

Sagittarians never know how to count money and easily part with it, their generosity of soul is sometimes even burdensome, they have a lot of friends around the world, they charm you so much from the first meeting that they immediately remember this person and immediately promote them somewhere.

Becoming a leader or director is a piece of cake for Sagittarius, but he often won’t work, because his job is to travel around, make incendiary speeches and sit on the podium. All Sagittarians, both men and women, firmly believe that they know everything in the world and spend their time enlightening humanity, which is mired in ignorance.

They don’t know how to act subtly; they need everything to be done right away.

They laugh very loudly or smile cloyingly, but under the mask of a cheerful jester hides suppressed rage, and what a rage!

It is because they have to suppress their anger that many of them are violent criminals.

In general, angry Sagittarians do not even try to curb their feelings.

They were born in dark time years, when the days are shortest and the nights are longest and their soul is often also twilight, they suffer from attacks of melancholy, they constantly want fiesta.

Their favorite entertainment is the circus; they love loud music, which is why there are so many artists, singers, and musicians among them.

Sagittarius women are completely delighted with shiny jewelry, even cheap jewelry. Flaw sunlight makes them lovers of bright clothes. Sagittarians love to quarrel with relatives, both close and distant, and they have frequent conflicts in their families, while they argue, yell, and then can calmly make peace and talk an hour later as if nothing had happened.

They are very emotional, capricious, and fickle.

They cheat easily in marriage. They don’t know how to argue, and if you start to prove your point of view, your centaur will quickly jump over the fence and run away for fresh clover.

As a rule, Sagittarius women always have many children, not at all because they are good mothers, they are just too lazy
protect themselves and they make a decision with lightning speed: Oh, let there be another child! Although, having given birth, they immediately try to get the baby to be nursed by someone, they harass their husband, mother, distant relatives and neighbors, they adore five-day days, because for them, going to work is a vacation, and, instead of running home to the children after work, it may well go listen to a lecture on how to care for orchids, although she doesn’t even have any orchids.

Sagittarians are simply born for public assignments: house elder, combatants, fireman, stewardess, conductor of the Moscow-Vladivostok carriage - what could be more pleasant?

Generous astrologers describe this person as a traditionalist, a determined and purposeful person, a very selective person, with good taste and a sense of style.

It would be possible not to try hard with the description, replacing it with one word careerist.

If you are dealing with a Capricorn, then you will definitely suffer from his power, pompousness, these people clutch the Civil Code in one hand and the marriage contract in the other.

Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, and here he endows him with dogmatism and makes him purely business-minded. Capricorn women, if they did not make a career themselves, then brought their weak-willed husbands into the people, and they were not given anything else.

All Capricorns are born with a manic desire to be first in their herd. Although a fish tail in their sign indicates a moist and emotional nature. They are sensitive and cry often. But their tears are rarely visible, they are not sweetly sentimental like Pisces.

Showing emotions is considered indecent, but they are ardent in nature.

More than anything else, they love to talk about how hard they worked and tried to achieve their position. Although by nature they are generally tongue-tied and listening to them is tiring, they do not have flights of thought and imagination, like Pisces and Gemini, everything is the naked truth. They also have a poor sense of humor.

Capricorns are very serious and lack spontaneity. Very often, women and men born under this sign marry early, although they themselves do not understand why?

They think very little about love, they are interested in material assets, but in their youth it seems to them: It’s time, it’s time to start a family, I’m already an adult

Namely, they think about family, not about love.

At a fairly young age, they achieve material success, and having achieved it, they understand that life is boring. They don’t know how to be happy, so all Capricorns have a very responsible hobby, if not, then only their favorite JOB!

And only this brings him happiness; to all his partner’s lamentations he has an excuse: I’m busy! Money is an end in itself for Capricorn.

In general, these are boring subjects who are usually appreciated when they are suddenly not around. They take great care of their health and are chronic long-livers.

According to the Bible, Jesus was a Capricorn, but by all indications He was, of course, a FISH, a kind pacifist... But Capricorns love to fight to the end, they are very stubborn and persistent.

If you win the argument, it is likely that your phone will ring at night; Capricorn has decided to offer you a counter-argument...

Aquarius is the eleventh sign of the Zodiac, and benevolent astrology describes him as an individualist, self-confident, original and idealistic, who treats all people equally.

To you, he will most likely seem like an obsessive eccentric who begins to tell everyone he meets about his bizarre theories and conclusions.

To bring confusion and disorder is the true purpose of Aquarius. He doesn't even know why he's doing this.

Since we have officially entered the Age of Aquarius, this only enhances its qualities. He loves rebellion, and in a peaceful, routine life he feels sleepy, often because of this he has the desire to drink or smoke... They are very prone to bad habits.

Aquarius loves to cross the boundaries of morality and break the law.

Aquarius is ruled by two planets - Uranus and Saturn.

Uranus is the planet of sudden changes and revolutions. Saturn is the planet of dogma and repression. Therefore, Aquarians are not sincere, they create the illusion of change without changing anything, they themselves are terribly afraid of change.

Aquarians are aloof people, not passionate, if you dig deeper, you will notice that they know little, their knowledge is superficial, and in general, they often have nothing to say.

They are all dreaming about the future: when I grow up, when I get married, when I have children, when I save money, when I retire... But life passes them by, because they do not know how to live in the present.

They don’t even wear clothes right away; they usually hang them in the closet for years until they go out of fashion.

They are often very insightful and have a good understanding of people, but their problem is that they can never understand themselves... Marriages with them break up easily, like ninepins... But they are never left alone, they will always find someone to charm, and again they are paired ...

In old age, their weakest organ is the head, often loss of memory, nervous disorders. Therefore, if you get an Aquarius, take care of him, he does not know how to take care of himself.

Pisces is the twelfth and last sign of the Zodiac, which absorbs the wisdom of all other signs. Astrology calls them seers, they seem to have descended to earth along a moonbeam, people prone to introspection, sensitive to the mood and aura of other people. Good pacifists, they feel sorry for everyone, both people and animals...

Scrape off the gilt and you will find a dreamer knocked over by the realities of life, gullible, disorganized, constantly in a state of confusion and completely helpless.

Pisces is ruled by Neptune, the god of illusions, and it is he who endows a person born under this sign with the desire to run away from problems and absolute naivety. They believe everything!

They evaluate every action through the prism of their prejudices, against which any truth is shattered..

This makes Pisces champions among losers, but they endure all adversity easily, for the sole reason that not knowing how to get out of the situation, they resign themselves to it, and the current carries them out on its own.

They are not fighters, they don’t lay down their weapons, they don’t even know how to pick them up!

This makes them surprisingly resilient, but far from reality.

They have many, many ideas, but the fear of change and unwillingness to take risks keeps them down and often prevents them from developing their potential, which is enormous.

They have a lot of talents and they can do many things better than others, but they are lazy...

Ambition is a trait generally unknown to them; they may well tell their idea, completely free of charge, to a person who will make capital from it.

But Neptune is the god of the sea elements, so Pisces are hot-tempered and hysterical like no other, but after an hour they have already forgotten that they just recently yelled at you, and begin to talk as if nothing had happened, they have a wonderful sense of humor, but sometimes it is cruel satire.

All Pisces speak first and think later.

But they are certainly interesting people, and the taste, style and charm they have often makes you come to terms with and digest their intolerable character.

They are quick-tempered, but quick-witted, they say about themselves, without noticing that they have a lot of enemies.

Pisces themselves are terribly vindictive and do not forgive insults, reminding everyone of this, including the offenders; many take this for courage, but this is just sentimental whining. After all, Pisces never take revenge.